tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32919242011-04-21T19:04:48.203-04:00getting out of the blanket...jezzanoreply@blogger.comBlogger2201100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3291924.post-1170826078243014882007-02-07T00:16:00.000-05:002007-02-07T00:31:56.616-05:00where have i been? living.i was inspired tonight to revive this board. i read a blog and it touched parts of me that have been asleep for a long time. and it made me very sad. sad that i had lost my desire to write and to have these tangible introspections.i just spent the last half an hour or so reading the last page of posts since i vanished, and i almost can't believe that i typed those words,jezzanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3291924.post-1110167438548806162005-03-06T22:50:00.000-05:002005-03-06T22:52:44.903-05:00the end.jezzanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3291924.post-1108965254115078632005-02-21T00:18:00.000-05:002005-02-21T00:54:56.186-05:00 it's amazing what kinds of documents one can find on their computer. i was browsing in the many layers of folders i have created, and tucked in a folder was a letter i had written to a dear friend. i wrote this letter on dec 23, 2001. there were two paragraphs that stopped me in my tracks:In the span of that week, I realized the connection I have with people – with or without my efforts. The jezzanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3291924.post-1105332660308315422005-01-09T23:49:00.000-05:002005-01-09T23:52:31.023-05:00 i think i'm done.
but didn't i say this last week too?
ok, i'll try again.
i'm done.
jezzanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3291924.post-1104370566158754652004-12-29T20:10:00.000-05:002004-12-29T23:43:52.603-05:00932 miles and worth every ache in my butt.
Cleveland Museum of Art
and this was one of the highlights from the visit:
Visions of Japan
i love the detail of japanese art. each line and spot of color is deliberate and seem to have a purpose. what was also very interesting is the reverence japanese art pays to courtesans. almost all the women in the prints were of the comfort kind.
hg, no jezzanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3291924.post-1103513437369684212004-12-19T22:22:00.000-05:002004-12-19T22:31:05.716-05:00happy birthday to me :)
today i pledge to take responsibility for my life and for what makes me happy. it may sound simple but it's a task that requires unwaivering committment. i get one shot at life and i'm going to give it my all.
jezzanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3291924.post-1102396062649781192004-12-06T23:39:00.000-05:002004-12-07T00:11:19.440-05:00
Brooklyn Museum
really amazing exhibition on J.S. Sargent
and to paraphrase hg: you spend more time reading the narratives than viewing the portraits.
i've always been drawn to the sociological aspect in pretty much anything. i remember taking my first sociology class in college and was simply fascinated with the lectures and required readings. i really loved reading about people -- how the jezzanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3291924.post-1102142946302751872004-12-04T01:47:00.000-05:002004-12-04T13:54:44.910-05:00i was invited to join k’s family for thanksgiving this year in Chicago. at first i was grateful to get away from everything. take a break from the city.
my visit there made me think a lot. i can’t say i enjoyed my trip to the fullest. i found my thoughts wandering to a lot of things. one particular incident resonated in me for the entire trip.
i spent most of my time with k and her parents jezzanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3291924.post-1102042040733094252004-12-02T21:38:00.000-05:002004-12-02T21:49:30.676-05:00probably one of my favorite songs. recently i found out it's about a vampire (?!). for the past 9 or 10 years i thought it was just a damn fine love song...still is, fangs and all.
Make up your mind Decide to walk with me Around the lake tonight Around the lake tonight By my side By my side I'm not gonna lie I'll not be a gentleman Behind the boathouse I'll show you my dark secret I'm not gonnajezzanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3291924.post-1101961523382033972004-12-01T23:24:00.000-05:002004-12-01T23:26:24.266-05:00i have to stop living in the past. past memories, past experiences, past everything. it’s time to live in the present and for the future.
brave words when i’m not feeling so brave.
sometimes the best comfort is sitting and thinking about him. just him. it’s not very healthy, sorta like taking a drug. when you take it you feel better, and you keep on taking it to make yourself feel better. jezzanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3291924.post-1101703238379627222004-11-28T23:39:00.000-05:002004-11-28T23:41:05.050-05:00 i'm officially a proud owner of the iPod; now i'm waiting for it to change my life.
jezzanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3291924.post-1101702493358680152004-11-28T23:25:00.000-05:002004-11-28T23:31:57.893-05:00i thought i was going to give up writing but i decided that that was mainly because of fear, a fear of being vulnerable. anyway, this will be good practice for me to express my thoughts, whether they be offensive and wrong or simply raw and honest.
a few weeks back i had this overwhelming feeling that God had forgotten about me. what i mean by this is that i believed i had hit the lowest point jezzanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3291924.post-1101353451394496422004-11-24T22:30:00.000-05:002004-11-24T22:31:30.690-05:00it's official, - 6 lbs.
jezzanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3291924.post-1101187535110929752004-11-22T23:35:00.000-05:002004-11-23T00:28:03.826-05:00deja vu
i posted that on my blackboard two years ago. tonight i sit here and read the words. stunned by the words...as if i were a fortune teller predicting my own story. the conclusions that i had back then are the same conclusions that i have now. does this mean that we didn't grow these past years? no, we have. i have. my capacity to give love, to give compassion and to want for another jezzanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3291924.post-1098761603412589052004-10-25T23:32:00.000-04:002004-10-25T23:33:23.413-04:00 i'm too tired to write but wanted a few words on my board to remind me of life these days.
jezzanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3291924.post-1096252077390821902004-09-26T22:24:00.000-04:002004-09-26T22:41:29.540-04:00here are a few more footprints on our journey:
Yale Center for British Art
Yale University Art Gallery
and tomorrow i'm hopeful about the future in my new workplace.
jezzanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3291924.post-1095570258129652672004-09-19T01:00:00.000-04:002004-09-19T01:04:18.130-04:00it's been awhile since i posted, and it looks like i missed out on the revamped look of my blackboard.
there's this "next blog" button neatly placed on the upper-right hand corner. interesting...press...press...press. i'm afraid to go further for i might stumble upon one that i will regret entering.jezzanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3291924.post-1095569769699245352004-09-19T00:47:00.000-04:002004-09-19T00:57:24.916-04:00 i feel utterly uninspired. there was nothing special about today that differentiated it from yesterday, or perhaps even tomorrow.
i find myself lying in bed and just listening to the radio or CP over and over again, lost in my thoughts about nothing.
and i get restless about finding distractions from my restlessness. will this ever end? when will it stop and when will i start? jezzanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3291924.post-1092188843040276212004-08-10T21:46:00.000-04:002004-08-10T21:49:36.760-04:00my eyes hurt from crying. my soul aches from thinking.
jezzanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3291924.post-1091074749009304952004-07-29T00:09:00.000-04:002004-07-29T00:22:12.566-04:00
another adventure in your journey. this time we discovered a little treasure in the heart of mid-town and right under my nose:
Dahesh Museum of Art
it's nice to piggyback off of hg's art trip. sometimes you need someone to lead the way so that you can do the same.
jezzanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3291924.post-1091074164365599982004-07-29T00:06:00.000-04:002004-07-29T00:22:41.503-04:00a key ingredient: committment.
choose this and start building around it.
jezzanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3291924.post-1090555225961380212004-07-22T23:58:00.000-04:002004-07-23T00:00:25.960-04:00
i wish my vocabulary was better. what is that word that describes a person who feels uninspired, who is constantly tired, who rather not deal with the world and its obligations and responsibilities. a depressive? it’s not that i claim myself as a depressed person, i just feel that it’s like the base paint in my brain room. no matter what the exterior looks there will be this underlying base jezzanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3291924.post-1090210739171383442004-07-19T00:14:00.000-04:002004-07-19T01:08:26.703-04:00it's been about a week since i last documented my progress. i must admit that there has been pockets of boredom, and i have found myself longing for the stimulation of "busy-ness" that only a job can provide. on the other hand, i've started an exploration that i even admit would not have come so easily if i had the status of a full-time employee. here are some of my accomplishments:
Museum jezzanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3291924.post-1089426362087742932004-07-09T22:20:00.000-04:002004-07-09T22:30:46.316-04:00the agenda for the day was to have lunch with my brother. chipotle! my current addiction. afterwards we would head to the biblioteca. turns out we did it a bit backwards. i was grateful nonetheless since i haven’t been down to the old tompkins square library in ages. i was in store for a surprise.
first thing: the library didn’t open until 1pm. the mass of impatient people crowding at the jezzanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3291924.post-1089346739057551842004-07-08T23:49:00.000-04:002004-07-09T00:18:59.056-04:00it’s been one week since i stopped working. i’m checking in to see how i feel. what has surprised me the most is that the desires that i thought i would have post-resignation haven’t shown up yet. desire meaning inspiration to go seek all the places that i was pining for as i toiled away at my desk. no desire, no curiosity. i wonder if that’s just my nature. somehow i lost my curiosity for jezzanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3291924.post-1089080309801598632004-07-05T22:17:00.000-04:002004-07-08T23:49:00.493-04:00i prefer not to write about him. i prefer to remember how he makes me feel. two ideas that cannot exist together on my blackboard. i prefer to remember this moment in my life.
i suppose it’s been about two years or so. is this a “safe” period to start talking about how i feel or better yet start documenting what these past couple of years have meant for me? there are some breadcrumbs jezzanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3291924.post-1089076212194839192004-07-05T21:08:00.000-04:002004-07-06T11:03:43.810-04:00i stepped into a new chapter in my life, or at least i think so.
last week i quit my job. actually, it was the second job that i left in one month’s time. is there something wrong? or is everything right?
what prompted the sudden departure (from the second clutch) was a nagging voice named instinct. when something just doesn’t sit right and no matter how hard you tell it to shut up, it just jezzanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3291924.post-1088391708578080042004-06-27T23:00:00.000-04:002004-06-27T23:03:43.726-04:00 there's no greater satisfaction than spending money you hate earning on things that you love buying.jezzanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3291924.post-1088130235362877102004-06-24T22:22:00.000-04:002004-06-24T22:27:12.463-04:00the bottom line is that i really don't know what i want to do with my life. nothing inspires me. nothing really excites me.
everything that i involve myself with just seems like an endless exhaust on my time and energy.
jezzanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3291924.post-1076987893934368152004-02-16T22:18:00.000-05:002004-07-05T21:15:08.076-04:00 i haven't said anything this year. happy 2004.
i've been feeling quiet. not necessarily uninspired, but just not moved to write on my blackboard.
last night i had such a vivid dream. i dreamt about my grandfather. it felt so real, like one of those dreams where you wake up and for a split second you don't know what is reality. i even tried to close my eyes and replay my dream again; jezzanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3291924.post-1071877508031593272003-12-19T18:45:00.000-05:002004-07-05T21:14:33.496-04:00
Happy Birthday! You don't expect an easy life and certainly don't count on others to make unusual sacrifices for you. In fact, you can't bear to feel in others' debt - or under anyone's thumb. You'd much rather build a life for yourself, pay your own dues, and prove your own worth than cling to another's coattails. No matter how artistic or idealistic you are, you're a tough-minded pragmatist atjezzanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3291924.post-1070856695862199532003-12-07T23:11:00.000-05:002003-12-19T18:52:11.840-05:00i saw a movie tonight that reminded me of how it was like growing up in my parents home.
the whole idea of privacy was non-existent. we lived in a railroad apartment. curtains defined one room from another. a room either began with a curtain or ended with a curtain, or both. the ironic part was that we technically had three entry ways into our home, but two of the doors didn't work. so, jezzanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3291924.post-1070769050041173462003-12-06T22:50:00.000-05:002003-12-07T22:37:46.123-05:00 our first blizzard this season:
white stuff
and my boots are on backorder until jan 2004 -- what gives?
jezzanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3291924.post-1069210516491149452003-11-18T21:55:00.000-05:002003-11-18T21:55:56.090-05:00how many times do you need to be dropped before you can feel the ground?
jezzanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3291924.post-1067313673984798412003-10-27T23:01:00.000-05:002003-12-06T22:49:38.013-05:00
this past weekend i had the opportunity to experience:
olivia
it was quite an exhibit...stunning, truly stunning.
the best part was that hg got to meet someone he's admired for a very long time.
jezzanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3291924.post-1067142943244358312003-10-26T00:35:00.000-04:002003-10-27T22:59:07.386-05:00
i’m ready to reconcile with entry 24.9.03.
i had a very profound conversation today.
i’m ready to give up this idea that another person’s life is more perfect, much better, and more rewarding than mine. this notion is a death sentence. i’m ready to give up this idea that i’m doing everything wrong. this notion is self defeating.
i’m ready to open my mind in accepting that the jezzanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3291924.post-1064460974091343002003-09-24T23:36:00.000-04:002003-09-25T22:47:09.463-04:00time to jot down some thoughts.
life can’t be this easy: you fall in love. you have someone who adores your entire being. and now, you get to pick the perfect spouse to provide for you for the rest of your life. i question the order of life if this is to come true. what is wrong with this picture? i am truly disturbed that the progression of deception can gain such great rewards. my jezzanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3291924.post-1063940450263551032003-09-18T23:00:00.000-04:002003-09-18T23:01:55.466-04:00when you want something, all the universe conspires to help you achieve it.jezzanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3291924.post-1063166192009554792003-09-09T23:56:00.000-04:002003-11-18T21:56:46.326-05:00i had a very strange dream last night.
i don’t remember the events leading up to getting shot. i remember looking down at my chest and there was a hole. i pushed my finger into the hole making sure that it was real. it was. i wasn’t scared or shocked. i was getting drowsy very quickly. is this how death feels, like a sleep you can’t fight off?
i’m a spirit. i think i’m still on earth.jezzanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3291924.post-1063075429752915942003-09-08T22:43:00.000-04:002003-09-08T22:44:04.350-04:00just when i given up on finding mars in the night sky...i find it shining overhead. jezzanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3291924.post-1063075057673268072003-09-08T22:37:00.000-04:002003-09-08T22:45:57.196-04:00something very strange happened.
i caught myself staring at a couple. one part of the couple was my professor from last year. what initially caught my attention was sighting this asian woman proudly walking besides this man (german, to be precise). it seemed such an overt display of “we are a couple.” their hands held firmly. my mind raced with all sorts of thoughts: he’s only a block from jezzanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3291924.post-1063074834752874492003-09-08T22:33:00.000-04:002003-09-08T22:40:36.663-04:00under the bridges…williamsburg, manhattan and brooklyn. jezzanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3291924.post-1062649420508766712003-09-04T00:23:00.000-04:002003-09-04T00:23:40.530-04:00 i’m back to this lack of desire to write on my blackboard. in some ways i miss the urge that compels me to purge my thoughts before i can have a restful night. whatever priorities on my plate were pushed aside because writing was my way of taking care of myself before i took care of others. i suppose it was a very small way of protesting against the demands of the world. nowadays i find thatjezzanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3291924.post-1061001106868110452003-08-15T22:31:00.000-04:002003-08-15T22:31:41.726-04:00we finally made it out of blackout 2003.
i wasn’t particularly annoyed about having to walk home from work or even dining on pb&j sandwiches for a couple of nights. what was most apparent was that not having electricity left me with absolutely nothing to do. i’m not sure how old abe did it, but candlelight is most certainly not bright enough for reading.
jezzanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3291924.post-1058839409650527752003-07-21T22:03:00.000-04:002003-07-21T22:06:01.856-04:00i dog-eared some parts of a book that i am reading.
when i find a quote or passage that tugs a thought, feeling or idea that has rolled in my head, it's like finding a kindred spirit.
...i'd made her work harder and perform better than anyone else, and nothing was ever good enough. i told myself that the unbearable pressure i put on her was my duty to professionalism. in reality, at those jezzanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3291924.post-1057470648174962882003-07-06T01:50:00.000-04:002003-07-21T22:06:30.063-04:00i play along with this misconception that blogging needs to be significant, that your thoughts should be provoking and profound. ah...a trap. it's just a journal. a journal of whatever you want. if my readers deem my thoughts prosaic then so be it. who claims to be a fascinating creature? punching some words about my day is just plain nice.
this has not been scientifically challenged but ijezzanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3291924.post-1056638542232932632003-06-26T10:42:00.000-04:002003-07-21T22:06:39.753-04:00i’ve been gorging on books lately. this is only because i’ve felt deprived in the last six or so months. plus, reading helps mitigate those feelings of “missing out.”
my latest page turner is about mountain climbing. in particular, it’s about the people who embark on these fantastic, life-altering (e.g. death) adventures. i’m fascinated. i suppose it is a sport of some sort, but the meaning i jezzanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3291924.post-1055568523085510112003-06-14T01:28:00.000-04:002003-06-14T15:32:08.516-04:00
i finished a book about a woman who lost part of her jaw when she was very young because of cancer. her story told about the evolution of her relationships with herself (her face), with the world, and with the definitions of love, beauty and ugliness. all these relationships discovered and developed in a broken shell. she stated that cancer was not the great hardship of her life but it was jezzanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3291924.post-954932992003-06-10T01:21:00.000-04:002003-06-10T01:21:37.723-04:00
i need to jot down some recent observations, particularly in my current work situation.
i generally bounce from project to project. many times i don’t have the particular expertise called for in the work, but that doesn’t seem to matter very much. so, i think about my reaction to being thrust into something new with barely any guidance from my “supervisor” (i truly use this term loosely) and jezzanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3291924.post-953142192003-06-04T23:51:00.000-04:002003-06-04T23:51:38.350-04:00
i go through periods where i can’t write and/or i don’t want to write. i try to examine the times that i feel this way – what is going on? how am i feeling? ultimately, what is causing me to be silent. i’ve noticed when i feel less depressed, or as a friend puts it: partly cloudy, i find that i don’t mull over the tribulations of life. i just live it rather than journalize the stagnated jezzanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3291924.post-945393392003-05-18T12:04:00.000-04:002003-05-18T12:04:27.270-04:00
I think as you make your way through life it’s hard to maintain a moral structure, and that difficulty and the process of coming out the other side of a dark, even psychological time is to me the most important part of adulthood.
jezzanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3291924.post-942413062003-05-12T22:47:00.000-04:002003-05-12T22:47:12.940-04:00
grey grey clouds in a blue blue sky. now that's beautiful.
jezzanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3291924.post-940324372003-05-09T00:16:00.000-04:002003-05-09T00:16:45.206-04:00
it's been some time since i've thought about something that made me smile again and again.
please add my happiness to your satchel
jezzanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3291924.post-933541672003-04-27T15:14:00.000-04:002003-04-27T15:14:21.190-04:00
anything i do other than school and work is considered play. it’s as if these activities are less important than school and work. there’s this overwhelming sense of guilt when i prioritize “fun” things. and then i stop and think…these activities are part of living. why feel guilty for living? why feel guilty because i take pleasure in being with someone or doing things that complete the jezzanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3291924.post-930818332003-04-22T21:20:00.000-04:002003-04-22T21:20:53.726-04:00
i don’t know why it hit me so hard.
what is more disappointing than not making a difference at all? it is not making a particular difference.
jezzanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3291924.post-930200272003-04-21T22:34:00.000-04:002003-04-21T22:34:29.560-04:00
from my talented friend:
sugar crystal frost
flakey donut residue
breakfast aftermath
jezzanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3291924.post-929132042003-04-19T22:22:00.000-04:002003-04-19T22:22:05.496-04:00
legitimate.
it’s when you lack legitimacy that makes you afraid of losing what little you have, and prevents you from asking for more.
what is there to hide? what are you afraid of losing? there’s no bigger loss than to live in deception.
jezzanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3291924.post-927547812003-04-16T23:07:00.000-04:002003-04-16T23:07:24.810-04:00
i’m feeling a lightness that’s quite new to me.
i’ve unlocked another secret in my pattern. i’ve had this tenacious resentment against people who fail to live up to my ideal – my purpose that i’ve placed on them. yes, it’s almost like flipping a switch…but not entirely. i’ve wrestled with this development for about a week now, not knowing what’s right and what’s wrong; even more unsure aboutjezzanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3291924.post-923999742003-04-10T22:18:00.000-04:002003-04-10T22:18:47.966-04:00
i don’t know where to turn. i’m so sad. i’m so alone.
i gain ground but suffer a twofold increase in doubt. the substance in my beliefs deteriorating as the roles around me change before my eyes -- before thoughts crystalize and words form desperate sentences.
what is wrong with me? i feel so trapped. trapped by my own misery. trapped by my own need for extremes, sadly disguised as reality.jezzanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3291924.post-918133612003-04-01T21:48:00.000-05:002003-04-01T21:49:49.000-05:00
what goes around comes around.
this is quite true. i can’t say that i feel happy in being a witness to this phenomenon, but there is a wholesome satisfaction in not harboring a vindictive gratification when i get to hear the story. i actually feel sorry that she had to go through what she had once put me through. this is the second time i’ve been at the receiving end of an ironic story. jezzanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3291924.post-916322792003-03-29T22:41:00.000-05:002003-03-29T22:41:46.890-05:00
how do i want to remember these days? where's the switch that i'm always trying to find? i just want to flip it on and off so that i can get through this period. a period stacked with days filled with restless thoughts. i feel like i'm sitting in one spot, straining to see an unfocused distance, and hoping that i can reach what's out there. i feel as though i'm stuck; i'm immobilized. the only jezzanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3291924.post-913276472003-03-25T00:22:00.000-05:002003-03-25T00:22:55.436-05:00
i'm restless. i have this familar feeling that i'm coming up to the end of something good or to the beginning of something bad. is that the same thing? i'm not so sure. i'm not feeling very sure about a lot of things -- not very sure about my thoughts, and feeling even more unsure about the ones that find a small passage out of my mouth.
jezzanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3291924.post-907882062003-03-15T22:42:00.000-05:002003-03-15T22:42:35.750-05:00
warm weather : good
summer swelling : evil
jezzanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3291924.post-906264512003-03-12T22:12:00.001-05:002003-03-12T23:11:36.000-05:00
the safety and comfort in being understood. why is this so difficult to believe?
jezzanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3291924.post-906264162003-03-12T22:12:00.000-05:002003-03-12T22:12:06.716-05:00
fruit vendors on block corners signify spring is coming to the city. does this mean that i have to give up kkd's for bananas?
jezzanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3291924.post-906260842003-03-12T22:05:00.000-05:002003-03-12T23:12:12.000-05:00
He's an intelligent man, but in matters of the heart, he has a muscular stupidity that gives him the strength to go on.
jezzanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3291924.post-903423122003-03-08T00:30:00.000-05:002003-03-08T00:32:18.000-05:00
i received such a blast from the past tonight. i used to listen to erasure all the time. i still do. seeing them tonight made me feel young again. i have to laugh -- made me feel young again. well, i suppose that's correct. i started listening to them when i was 13 or so, but seriously when i went to college...so around 16. how to describe this feeling... i think i equate the feeling of youth asjezzanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3291924.post-903417482003-03-08T00:16:00.000-05:002003-03-08T00:18:46.000-05:00
god is my co-pilot
i've seen this band once but was more strucked by their name than their talent. i like the ring to those words. there's something serious and fun about it. i'm in charge of my life but i know that He's there when i need backup.
jezzanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3291924.post-900887992003-03-03T22:22:00.001-05:002003-03-03T22:22:56.763-05:00
how sad...the only bright spot of my day is a raspberry filled krispy kreme donut.
jezzanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3291924.post-900887492003-03-03T22:22:00.000-05:002003-03-03T22:22:03.483-05:00
deploy -- i can't get away from this word. tv shows, news magazines, and me.
jezzanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3291924.post-899564722003-03-01T10:59:00.000-05:002003-03-01T10:59:54.090-05:00
i like how my discman apologizes to me when it skips a beat.
jezzanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3291924.post-897560892003-02-25T23:25:00.000-05:002003-02-25T23:29:46.000-05:00
i hate my job.
it frustrates me even more that i have this myopic view on my situation. i can't see the big picture nor can i find the motivation to go through the day without wanting to be someplace else. why do i continue to do this? is it because i'll finally get an opportunity to reach "higher professional standards?" is it a means to support the other activities in my life? or is it just jezzanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3291924.post-894853622003-02-21T03:00:00.000-05:002003-02-21T03:00:25.750-05:00
what is it about compliments that draws me to such contrasting reactions? a part of me enjoys the positive responses, but yet, like a knee jerk reaction, i quickly invalidate my response. this is similar to my take on happiness (which i've written about in the past). in my reality there's no safety for compliments. they can't just exist. they cannot be nourished for i see the nourishment as the jezzanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3291924.post-894101302003-02-19T23:01:00.000-05:002003-02-19T23:01:08.020-05:00
some nice guys do win in the end.
jezzanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3291924.post-892598362003-02-17T15:55:00.000-05:002003-02-17T15:55:26.270-05:00
so you think your filters are reasonable? define filter for me. doesn't filter mean sometimes things get through? your filters could be defined as walls....the question is not what you keep out but what you let in? and in the famous words of someone near and dear...what are you afraid of?
jezzanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3291924.post-891223082003-02-14T20:40:00.000-05:002003-02-14T20:42:36.000-05:00
binder babe.
how funny these slight phrases and drops of words find tiny places in my mind; always showing up when i fall into boredom.
jezzanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3291924.post-889569712003-02-12T00:27:00.000-05:002003-02-12T00:27:40.080-05:00
sometimes a note just perks up the day. how long can i last on a few sentences sent intermittently?
jezzanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3291924.post-889569332003-02-12T00:26:00.000-05:002003-02-12T07:46:29.000-05:00
i want to write something, but i don't know what.
my life has been fairly beige lately.
maybe indulging shortens the existence.
jezzanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3291924.post-881364982003-01-27T22:57:00.000-05:002003-01-27T23:00:50.000-05:00
So Lou visited your old school, it would be interesting to hear him speak. Does your school have a monument erected for you? It should, the person most likely to make a difference.
he may have been lying, but i'll take it as the nicest compliment.
jezzanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3291924.post-880813342003-01-27T00:31:00.000-05:002003-01-27T22:59:00.000-05:00
this is for you...
life may seem to be going against you. you may feel as though God has chosen you to run a battery of tests. tests with no apparent answers; instead more riddles are generated concerning the fundamentals of who you are. why is this happening to you? why isn't this happening to you? remember -- there are no coincidences. figure out the common denominator in each of these testsjezzanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3291924.post-878774792003-01-22T22:18:00.000-05:002003-01-22T22:18:17.140-05:00
the hard part is knowing what you want. the greater difficulty is figuring out how to get there.
jezzanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3291924.post-878218972003-01-21T23:09:00.000-05:002003-01-21T23:09:29.503-05:00
i've been anticipating this date: jan 21st -- it's been a year since i started journalizing my life.
happy anniversary...
jezzanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3291924.post-878126492003-01-21T19:59:00.001-05:002003-01-21T20:05:12.000-05:00
...failure is how you eliminate the wrong turns on the way to the right one.
...you just kind of wanted to do something nice for because they were decent and deserved it and you knew they'd be appreciative and wouldn't hold it against you for maybe not being so damn beautiful yourself.
jezzanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3291924.post-878126232003-01-21T19:59:00.000-05:002003-01-21T20:03:51.000-05:00
i haven't been able to write. this is no reflection of what is going on in my life, but possibly because there have been developments.
have i made a pact with the devil? only time will tell. what i am doing feels devilishly delicious. as bizarre as this union is it doesn't feel unnatural. it's mutally comforting. a part of me feels more independent and uninhibited with my thoughts and feelingsjezzanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3291924.post-870382002003-01-06T21:48:00.000-05:002003-01-06T22:16:00.000-05:00
perhaps i revealed too much today. the words kept tumbling out with the encouragement from a captivated listener.
it's so rare to be able to let my guard down and exchange freely. i find that when i do step out of my shell i have much to share.
jezzanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3291924.post-869854022003-01-05T21:29:00.000-05:002003-01-05T21:29:10.136-05:00
b's contribution to our fun:
tortured logic
stymied
jezzanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3291924.post-869467132003-01-04T23:10:00.000-05:002003-01-04T23:10:19.000-05:00
i think tonight was the first time i ate alone at a restaurant. i wasn't disappointed at j for cancelling. truthfully, in the back of my mind i felt a bit weird seeing him again. the whole restaurant scouting was a bit tricky 'cause a place with a romantic atmosphere would have made me stick out like a sore thumb but i didn' t necessarily want some decrepit diner either. i settled on a thai jezzanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3291924.post-869090372003-01-04T00:20:00.000-05:002003-01-04T00:21:01.000-05:00
strangest thing has been happening to me lately. i've been running into my classmates, once on the train and twice on the bus (although the same guy), all within a week's time.
my sister stayed with me last night. it's so natural to want to ensure the comfort for the people you care about. it's rewarding to know the small things i can do to help calm some of the agitations in her daily life.
jezzanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3291924.post-868149542003-01-02T00:19:00.000-05:002003-01-02T00:22:57.000-05:00
i had a series of bizarre dreams last night. they involved my marketing professor. i must be holding a subconscious need to be accepted by him. anyway, in my dream i was taking his two part final: one part was multiple-choice. another part was short answer. first dream: i ran out of time and couldn't complete the short-answer section. i remembered being panicked; i feared that i guaranteed the jezzanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3291924.post-868142242003-01-02T00:01:00.000-05:002003-01-02T00:03:29.000-05:00
the eighth insight -- "...growth being stopped when you become addicted to another person." this statement is not a mere coincidence. i've come across this lesson recently. i've written about this. almost no one is safe, everyone is a victim to this addiction. i've seen this happen to my friends. i've seen it with myself. where am i in this evolution? i think realizing and accepting that it jezzanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3291924.post-868142102003-01-02T00:00:00.000-05:002003-01-02T00:01:43.000-05:00
Tell me, and I'll forget. Show me, and I might remember. Involve me, and I'll understand.
jezzanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3291924.post-865737422002-12-26T23:21:00.000-05:002002-12-26T23:21:45.000-05:00
more danger in solo living...i've twice forgotten to lock the door.
jezzanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3291924.post-865719902002-12-26T22:34:00.000-05:002002-12-26T22:34:40.413-05:00
Confidence is within and grows through support from others.
jezzanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3291924.post-865358142002-12-25T23:17:00.000-05:002002-12-25T23:17:19.293-05:00
men are funny. when they want something but know that they can't have it, they have to let the other person know regardless of her answer. it's as if getting it out of their system is the next best thing to having it, and they must have at least something. men aren't dissuaded by much once they know what they want. perhaps that's why they don't do the game playing. no dancing around the subject.jezzanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3291924.post-865354062002-12-25T23:05:00.000-05:002002-12-25T23:07:04.000-05:00
merry xmas.
i spent this christmas at my sister's. maybe it was the holiday spirit...i really delight in seeing the happiness in others. it matters more to me that i had a hand in it. maybe that's the selfish part. happiness is not generated only from selfless acts. happiness is similar to a relationship or a bond -- it grows when two people feel the same way; they feed off of each other.
i jezzanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3291924.post-864214002002-12-22T23:41:00.000-05:002002-12-22T23:41:41.283-05:00
surprise! i was certainly that today. my very sneaky friends and family pulled off the biggest surprise today. i think a part of it is that i doubt who i am to the people in my life. i couldn't believe that so many wanted to celebrate me. it was wonderful.
and this is for you...fm - having you there today meant so much to me. you were the most special guest of all. the most special gift i jezzanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3291924.post-863537032002-12-21T02:27:00.000-05:002002-12-21T02:29:02.000-05:00
privately counseling patience - a good phrase to keep handy.
jezzanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3291924.post-863536742002-12-21T02:26:00.000-05:002002-12-21T02:26:24.570-05:00
too tired to write.
it's time to start taking things back. i've been diluting my generosity. it's all a facade -- a cover up to what's going on inside. a part of me feels painfully hollow. empty.
i do see myself as many persons secured under one skin. one is satisfied while the other is unsatisfied. one wants to move forward while the other is perfectly content to stay right here. one wants jezzanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3291924.post-863043092002-12-19T23:52:00.000-05:002002-12-19T23:52:22.890-05:00
i finally did it. after two months, it's gone. i thought it would be a symbolic gesture to start things off...right?
jezzanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3291924.post-862977772002-12-19T21:06:00.000-05:002002-12-19T21:06:02.860-05:00
what a wonderful way to end the day. i just got back from my last final. i'll have approx one month of freedom before embarking on another semester.
not too long ago i debated if i should continue school or take a leave of absence. things worked out for school. actually, i think everything worked out in both fronts. i'm currently working on a not-so-thrilling project, but that doesn't bother mejezzanoreply@blogger.com