a lot of my friends would say i have a very "busy" life. but i see it so very differently. i see an empty life.

i think i'm depressed. i sleep a lot. i don't want to be in social situations. i don't want to talk to my friends or my family. i don't want to be stimulated by anything that would remind me that i'm alive.

i get so tired of my moodiness. last night i was feeling so good about life, and tonight i just want to crawl into my bed and never come out...getting in the blanket.
why am i feeling like this? therapy would say that i'm stuck on results and not being in the current moment. i'm not happy with what i have in my life, so when i see and hear things that remind me of what i wish i had or what i don't have compared to others, i get unmotivated and very closed. these feelings do go away in time (one or two days) but they still exist. i just can't shake it when i'm in this funk. i feel defeated, tired, and pray that "something" will happen. most of all, i'm sick of feeling this way.

it was a beautiful night -- very warm in the midst of the winter season. i walked home after work. it was strange. i felt the wind blowing through my hair, my open collar, and my body. i felt i was the only one experiencing this euphoric sensation.
i looked up and saw the moon in the cloudless sky -- perfectly round and glowing at me.
god, the warmth felt like we were blessed with purpose. people walked in the right direction and knew where they were going on the streets, in life.

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having nights like these i don't care if i never fall in love. tonight, i felt life was perfect -- free, without attachments, without having to have just one. i could have walked forever and connected with anonymity.

i thought about you twice just then. you get me everytime.
i love the way that sings. i love what it means. i would love to be able to do that.

remember being patient? today i created a situation where i made myself visible to the looters who want to see me go down in defeat. i forced the looters to acknowledge and answer to their lies of leadership, committment, knowledge sharing, etc. since they chose to quilt their sheeps' clothing with terms that i believe are the puriest qualities of humanity, i will hold them to these qualities.
i will draw from today to help me be patient for the coming months.

everyday i'm learning to cope with myself. i'm going through therapy. i've been at it since the end of september 2001. for the most part, it's been a very good process. if i were to judge it in terms of good or bad, i would definitely say good. can i pause for a sec? these days i really stop myself when i start describing things as either "good" or "bad" because as i'm growing my definition of "good" is so much more complex and different than pre-therapy, and, of course, my definition of "bad" runs a parallel course in the other direction. so...i'm sticking with good; therapy's good.

i love the combination of juice and seltzer. so delicious. i think if i didn't have
this elixir i wouldn't drink anything during the day. i'll just dry up.

i'm tired. i'm feeling crappy. my throat hurts. my body feels bloated, so
i'm not eating very much. perhaps it would be wise if i didn't have
so much salt -- salt on the pretzels, salt in the lunchmeat.

i have to learn to be patient.
do you ever feel that being patient will destroy the only thing that you want?
and that is having a say in how you want to live your life.

someone told me today that you don't have a say in your life. what?! i
don't have a say in how i want to live.

here's the lesson: the say may not be today or tomorrow, but it will be said.
the trick is to remember what it was.

self evaluation sneaks up on you when you're in the presence of another's self discovery. sometimes you feel good about yourself, sometimes you feel like shit, and sometimes you wish that the person would just shut up.

again, i was trapped in a conversation. i feigned interest by making the appropriate nods and mmm's.... i hate myself.

i've opened my eyes and planted my feet on the floor awaiting for what is there in this new life.

so, here i am...armed with a blood colored marker to cross off the lessons.