i just scanned my musings. this year has been one of the most difficult and the most amazing time in my life. i see a lot of transformations, but at the same time i still carry a lot of the old. i so badly want to shake off the old. god, it so difficult to sort out the person i want to become. is she going to be very different than the person now? will she ever become the person she wants to be? or will she ever truly believe what she has now is good enough to bring over?

i was talking to df today. i was telling her about the worries that are running through my mind. not having enough time to manage all the new situations in my life. then i stopped and laughed. all the things that i set out to accomplish this year are right in front of me: going to grad school, finally getting that career opportunity and moving into my own home. everything happening all at once. now that it's here, what do i do?

my life is filled questions i've never solved before. new situations with no instructions. there's no time to prepare. my preparation will come as i move along -- understanding my fears, my resistance as i push forward in the new.

life seems to be falling into place. i put it out there and opportunities fall in my lap. and being me, i don't believe i can be so lucky. i don't believe that i've done enough to deserve what is happening in my life. all my fortunes are fleeting or disguised missteps.

i'm moving out of my parents' home. i decided to tell my mom tonight.

i need to describe one of the most emotional, upsetting and hysterical exchanges with her. perhaps this can help me cope with my decision.

she didn't take it very well at all. i knew the conversation was not really about me moving out, it was about me not wanting to live in their home. she could not understand why i thought living at home was so bad. my moving out was a direct result of my unhappiness with them and with this home. i couldn't bring myself to tell her that my reasons where those and so much more. so much more. moving out is another step to getting out of this blanket. it's another move away from everything that drives me insane and reminds me that i'm not living. i can't be protected by convenience or familiarity anymore. i can't continue a life of not making decisions that i feel are best for me, not what others believe are for the best. i have to risk and trust in my own decisions, and if it turns out that it was a big, big mistake, then knowing that i made it for myself will be the greatest support when i'm faced with unpredictable, including unpleasant, outcomes.

you grow up thinking that your parents are right. what they want for you is the best and the "right" thing for your entire life. for me it's hard to believe what i'm doing is right because my decision is causing her so much sadness and pain. is it not a rule in nature that states if your mother believes that your actions will only dictate hardship then it is the truth? why do i feel this way? why do i feel like i'm a horrible person for causing her so much grief?

i wonder if she really knows what she did to me when i was growing up. after tonight i know that she is disturbed by guilt. guilty that she has a role in the unhappiness that plagues my life. in a way she's trying to be the mother that she wasn't when i was growing up. she's trying to relive the opportunity that she lost and can never recapture. i think it's difficult for her to realize that she can't make up for the past, and she's desperately trying to. my living here gives her that opportunity. it gives her the chance to make my life easier, hoping that now she is the mother that i couldn't have when i was a child.

i'm exhausted...