i hate my job.

it frustrates me even more that i have this myopic view on my situation. i can't see the big picture nor can i find the motivation to go through the day without wanting to be someplace else. why do i continue to do this? is it because i'll finally get an opportunity to reach "higher professional standards?" is it a means to support the other activities in my life? or is it just lousy hope? hope that this will be my stepping stone into something that i will really care about and really enjoy. someone told me a goal without a deadline is hope. sometimes hope is what makes life worse.

right now, i don't care. i just don't give a damn about anything.

i've allowed this to encompass my life. i'm just not strong enough to pretend that my life is okay. i don't care how uncomfortable you feel, i don't want to smile. i don't smile because i can't lie to myself that everything is okay.

do i want an easy life? no, i don't want an easy life; i just want something else.

what is it about compliments that draws me to such contrasting reactions? a part of me enjoys the positive responses, but yet, like a knee jerk reaction, i quickly invalidate my response. this is similar to my take on happiness (which i've written about in the past). in my reality there's no safety for compliments. they can't just exist. they cannot be nourished for i see the nourishment as the indulgence that will shorten their existence. here's the dilemma: i enjoy compliments, but a part of me feels fucked if i actually 100% believed in them. believing in them would mean i was a prideful person; i can't be proud of myself? yes, my argument is confusing and maybe illogical, but it makes sense in my reality.

some nice guys do win in the end.

so you think your filters are reasonable? define filter for me. doesn't filter mean sometimes things get through? your filters could be defined as walls....the question is not what you keep out but what you let in? and in the famous words of someone near and dear...what are you afraid of?

binder babe.

how funny these slight phrases and drops of words find tiny places in my mind; always showing up when i fall into boredom.

sometimes a note just perks up the day. how long can i last on a few sentences sent intermittently?

i want to write something, but i don't know what.

my life has been fairly beige lately.

maybe indulging shortens the existence.