So Lou visited your old school, it would be interesting to hear him speak. Does your school have a monument erected for you? It should, the person most likely to make a difference.

he may have been lying, but i'll take it as the nicest compliment.

this is for you...

life may seem to be going against you. you may feel as though God has chosen you to run a battery of tests. tests with no apparent answers; instead more riddles are generated concerning the fundamentals of who you are. why is this happening to you? why isn't this happening to you? remember -- there are no coincidences. figure out the common denominator in each of these tests. yes, it is you but that's not the answer -- it's the source for the answers.

remember you told me that life tastes so much sweeter after the dark. i remember this when i feel as though there's no place to turn; when i feel no one can understand. no one can understand until i do.

the hard part is knowing what you want. the greater difficulty is figuring out how to get there.

i've been anticipating this date: jan 21st -- it's been a year since i started journalizing my life.

happy anniversary...

...failure is how you eliminate the wrong turns on the way to the right one.

...you just kind of wanted to do something nice for because they were decent and deserved it and you knew they'd be appreciative and wouldn't hold it against you for maybe not being so damn beautiful yourself.

i haven't been able to write. this is no reflection of what is going on in my life, but possibly because there have been developments.

have i made a pact with the devil? only time will tell. what i am doing feels devilishly delicious. as bizarre as this union is it doesn't feel unnatural. it's mutally comforting. a part of me feels more independent and uninhibited with my thoughts and feelings -- something that i've been reinforcing recently. i haven't banished the possible consequences; that wouldn't be wise, nor would it be realistic.

perhaps i revealed too much today. the words kept tumbling out with the encouragement from a captivated listener.

it's so rare to be able to let my guard down and exchange freely. i find that when i do step out of my shell i have much to share.

b's contribution to our fun:

tortured logic

stymied

i think tonight was the first time i ate alone at a restaurant. i wasn't disappointed at j for cancelling. truthfully, in the back of my mind i felt a bit weird seeing him again. the whole restaurant scouting was a bit tricky 'cause a place with a romantic atmosphere would have made me stick out like a sore thumb but i didn' t necessarily want some decrepit diner either. i settled on a thai place that i had wanted to go to for some time now. the best thing to arm oneself with when found in this type of predicament is a book. a book is like a cigarette -- it eases any feeling of being out of place. when i used to go out to the bars and i found myself standing alone 'cause my friend decided to visit the ladies room or busied herself with a new found friend, a cigarette would always dissipate any feeling of self-consciousness. true -- i can sorta see how that was really a distraction for myself and just some sort of pathetic tactic to disguise my unease with the whole scene...anyway, still, a book is the same. it did ease a similar discomfort that i was afraid of feeling since finding myself without a dinner partner. would i do it again, voluntarily? maybe. it's not so bad. in fact, it's a bit exciting and i felt a bit mysterious. everyone in the restaurant either had a friend or a group of people with them. being the minority wasn't so bad.

i think tonight was the first time i saw a bway show by myself. i didn't feel weird at all. in fact, most of the time i go to theatre productions alone.

strangest thing has been happening to me lately. i've been running into my classmates, once on the train and twice on the bus (although the same guy), all within a week's time.

my sister stayed with me last night. it's so natural to want to ensure the comfort for the people you care about. it's rewarding to know the small things i can do to help calm some of the agitations in her daily life.

b asked me if i can earn as much money as i want but i had to work, what would i do? he said that approx 80% of the people respond in a very similar manner. i was no exception. he believes that people fundamentally want to help others or provide some value for another person. i wondered outloud, if we were to delete the whole idea of money from society, would we all become, in a sense, volunteers? would 80% of the world finally work on something they really wanted to do ultimately to benefit another?

there's been this running conversation about helping others and what that really means. i used to think altruistic acts were only about others, but that's not true. having concern for others goes hand-in-hand with concern for oneself. to me, a great part of living is giving and receiving appreciation. there's an overwhelming sense of completeness and satisfaction when you know that you have made a difference, no matter how big or small, the other person gave thought to what you did.

i had a series of bizarre dreams last night. they involved my marketing professor. i must be holding a subconscious need to be accepted by him. anyway, in my dream i was taking his two part final: one part was multiple-choice. another part was short answer. first dream: i ran out of time and couldn't complete the short-answer section. i remembered being panicked; i feared that i guaranteed the end of my business school hopes. so, i had the dream again probably hoping i would do better a second time around. second dream: i ran out of time and couldn't complete the multiple-choice section. the mc section was boobytrapped with non-consecutive question numbers from exam form to scantron. i was a mess. worse -- i had an eraser that couldn't erase. i watched the hands on the clock move to the end of the allotted time. in the midst of the whole debacle, my professor pointedly said to me that he had no problem recognizing my exam paper since he was very familiar with my poor writing style. what a nightmare!

the eighth insight -- "...growth being stopped when you become addicted to another person." this statement is not a mere coincidence. i've come across this lesson recently. i've written about this. almost no one is safe, everyone is a victim to this addiction. i've seen this happen to my friends. i've seen it with myself. where am i in this evolution? i think realizing and accepting that it actually happened to me is a good start. don't attack this as a weakness but understand that this is an opportunity to refocus on yourself. self-discovery based on your own motivations makes the sharing with another so much more. the key is that it has to start with me. oh god, it's not easy, but it gets a bit easier.
i was watching a morning talk show that focused on a topic similar to this -- empty nest syndrome. a lot of people lose sight of who they are and who they become once another person comes into their life, and that person doesn't necessarily have to be a partner -- it can be their child. being entirely selfless is not a guarantee to heaven or martyrdom. you must live your life in order to not destroy the life that you want to live through.

Tell me, and I'll forget. Show me, and I might remember. Involve me, and I'll understand.