i find that being depressed and feeling low about your life allows you to evaluate what's really happening -- to be positively brutal with yourself. when i'm happy, i conveniently forget that i have problems, which shouldn't be the case because one can be happy and have problems at the same time. i think i become happy and then i forget that i still have problems that i need to work on. is it that i shouldn't become happy but just be happy in general? i'm not sure. so, since i'm not very happy these days i'm lost in my head.

my brother mentioned something to me today. it was actually one of the first things he said to me. he asked me why i became so bitter after my feb 17th entry. i was taken aback because i thought i had made vast improvements in the past few weeks.

something did happen after feb 17th. i met someone who had feelings for me that were so alien to my life. what happened during that weekend and the days after made me really believe i was getting better because i was able to handle this new situation and feel good about my decisions. in fact, i felt my 6 months of growing pains created our connection.

so, is my brother's interpretation way off? i'm not sure because i'm not feeling overly confident about my reality right now. i don't know if i glossed over the fact that i still have relationship issues, and believing that letting go is enough for now. i don't know.

there are just some days where you want to be lazy. i'm feeling so exhausted. the only motivation i have is to get through the day so that i can go back to sleep.

one thing i really enjoyed about being in a relationship is kissing. kissing someone is the best pastime activity. i can do it for hours. i even prefer it over the other physical foreplays. neither partner has something over than the other; you can match one for one.

i wonder if asians are the rudest people on earth. i swear they must have all been schooled in the art of being phoney. and, they've mastered the following greetings: (1) when will you be married? or similarly, inquiring whether you're single, dating, engaged, fucking. (2) pointing out the fact that you indeed have grown out of your physical defects of youth, including gestures to either your skin, weight or whatever they deem necessary to illustrate their compliment (i have never heard so much backhanded flattery. it's disgusting.) (3) fake smiles. i was ready to puke.

from my foolmaker: ask what you can give.. and then take accordingly

something interesting came up today...

the development of a new relationship follows an unconscious path in pursuit to finalize the past.

so, what happened to me? why do i place so much power in breaking through the unbreakable?

it has started again.

i was exhausted today. i didn't stray from my usual routine, but i wound up passing out when i got home from work. god, i'm not looking forward to the next 10 days when all my progress will be for naught.

i'm not sure what i want to say, but i must find the words to express what's going on in my life. i want to come back to this moment a week, a year, a decade from now and understand what i gave up to gain.

giving up something that i wanted for so long is disturbingly powerful. i realize the virtue of standing by your choice while having to cope with the daily mental games of "what ifs." i'm also a selfish person -- believing the best for me is the best for you. i think in some ways the expectations were equal.

today i'm left feeling lost and confused. just when i believed that i found a secret in life, i'm back to where i started. why do i feel so responsible for how other people feel about me? i want to do what's right, but at this moment i'm not experienced enough to distinguish what is right for me and what is right for them.

life knows when to test your self-awareness.

i couldn't help smiling today because i was thinking about how someone can be courageous, generous, understanding and gifted all at once.

i'm really beginning to see how very funny life is, and to trust that there are certain dynamics that play out in the choices you make. when you let go of misguided anchored beliefs, other areas open up without much effort and with some surprises.

i'm not responsible for someone's feelings; i'm responsible for my own. that's what i learned today. it takes the pressure off. i've lived so long viewing that how someone feels about me is all my doing and responsibility. if they don't like me, i didn't do the right things. if they do like me, it's because i did something to please them. well, the only outcome i have gotten is that i don't have anything for myself; i don't even have myself. i made it about them for so long that it's about time it's about me -- how i want to feel and what i want to do. i'm not saying that i will selfishly live my life. definitely not!! but, i'm going to live it differently in that i will first think about how I FEEL. and, if how i feel is about them, then so be it. that will be my choice.

this valentine's day was a celebration of my outlook on relationships. it is so liberating to choose not to be in a relationship.

this morning i was watching tv and saw a news feature on an artist named Josh Clayton-Felt. his story caught my attention. i actually knew Josh Clayton-Felt without knowing that i knew him.
when i was in college, i was a dj at my school radio station. the song called "three strange days" by school of fish was always a tune that we rotated on our playlist. i loved playing and listening to it. josh was the lead singer.
so, i was strangely drawn back, remembering my feelings, goals and priorities during my college days. josh's story was being told in the background. everything sort of meld together. something struck me about him. i think it was the fact that he was so true to his art and his passion. it reminded me about my passion to music when i was in college. during that period in my life i had clear goals that directed my very being -- i knew what i loved and knew what i wanted to become.

i think what i want most right now in my life is to connect to my passions and know them fully as i did when i was in college. in the recent years, i lost that type of focus...but i feel it coming back now.

is it so terrible to not take a call from a friend?

i'm compelled to amend what i wrote earlier today. i know my grandmother was just trying to be nice by giving me a simple compliment. it's very hard for me to accept flattery, especially when it comes to the way i look because i grew up feeling very ugly. i felt so terrible with my physical being that i refused to walk with my head held steady, not even high, steady. i did not welcome one to one conversations because that meant the person would be forced to look at me. my teens and early 20's was an extremely difficult period. i guess that's why i do a lot of the things i do today -- abuse the gym, wrestle with food, and never feel like i'm doing enough. so, i resent the fact that she can compliment me when not too long ago she said otherwise.

i'll let go.

i dislike a particular consequence of relationships. sometimes being in a relationship causes one to automatically backseat established friendships. i think it's a disgusting habit.

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my grandmother is here to celebrate chinese new year. just 5 minutes ago she said something really offensive to me. she said how beautiful i've grown. i HATE hearing shit like that. as if when i was hideous i was less of a person. right, she's old; she really doesn't mean what she said. mmm...i guess i'm relatively young so i don't really understand what's being said.

i'm stepping out of my quest to have a fulfilled life, just for this brief second:

i declare that i hate data fucken sufficiency. i hate it. i hate it.

i have a mental "TO DO" list for my life. one of the bullets is to learn how to swim. i'm taking lessons every saturday morning. there are some mornings where i literally have to wrench myself out of bed to get to the pool. today was one of those days -- i just did not want to put on the suit and do the work. so, i practice what i've been learning the past few months -- the results may surprise me, try not to look for them. today my instructor said my strokes are looking very nice. WOW! not in my wildest dreams did i believe i, ME, would get a compliment on my swimming technique. oh, i'm sure i'll start off next saturday morning with the same sentiment -- god, do i have to put on this damn suit?! i will share a result: i would like to have a new extra-curricular activity by summertime.

i'm learning to trust the natural course and progression in my life. i'm finding a lot of comfort in myself. i'm beginning to steer my life in a manner that feels right in the current moment, not for the future nor for someone else -- just for ME.

it's so much easier this way.

i had my session today.

i wonder if i really want to be in a relationship. i know when i hear the wondeful times my friends are having with their boyfriends, and how so and so did this and that, i do get jealous and wish i knew about those experiences. Because relationships, esp with men, have been so scarce in my life, my instinctual pangs are to want what i don't have and covet what others do have. talking about this envy made me realize that perhaps i don't want to be in a relationship. i haven't had it all figured out yet...some of it has to do with my time, my more or less perception of him depending on how i think he feels about me, and, i'm sure, a lot of other uncovered issues. i think the relationship area will be a work-in-progess for now.

i'm getting a bit obsessive with this electronic musings board. i look forward to jotting something down to help put the period at the end of the day.

i walked home again. it was very warm throughout the day, so i knew it wouldn't be terribly cold during the trek home. a part of me also wanted anonymous contact. there's a mutual thrill when you hold someone's stare, and you almost know what each other is thinking, admiring, fantasizing...it was needed.

i wonder if i like someone because i like that person or because that person likes me. i do find that the person appeals to me more when i know he/she likes me. i guess it's a form of defense mechanism for rejection. not sure.

i wonder if i'm ever going to be in love.

love, love, love -- what is this emotion, event, person...that is used time and time again to explain the unknown, to grasp to when life is difficult and unbearable, to cling to when fear paralyzes free will?

i've never been in love. i've never fallen in love. i've never been the object of love. i think i've tried many times to do the above, to use "love" as an explanation or an inspiration, but it never sat well with me. or, at least, never unlocked my procrastinations. i don't believe love will be the answer to any of my problems; it's never going to "right" my life.

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i wonder if i'm ever going to have sex. i wonder how it feels like. i had opportunities...but those moments were more his wanting than my wanting to give. yes, i see sex as something for me to give and share. i've never found someone special enough to give myself to. does that mean i'm waiting for love? perhaps.

i love my sister. she's such an amazing woman. i love our relationship. she always makes me feel important, and is so generous with her opinions and views about my life. i wish she knew how strong and beautiful she really is.

when you discover a "different way" of living, you start seeing that "different way" in almost every conversation. i guess if one approaches dialogue a certain way, the dialogue will reflect that sentiment. so, my point is that i'm incorporating a new perspective in my life, and the practice comes in having conversations with friends and family who are relating to me as i'm growing and nourishing myself.
i'm beginning to learn to feel good in my bad times.

Time to trust. Trust that others try to help you. Trust your urges to burst forward into some activities that are unlike you, but that come from the needs of your spirit. Trust that a flow exists in the universe. Trust that the unconscious lives deep within, guiding you with wonderful and powerful emotions. If you made a movie biography of yourself, what would you film? Those scenes are the ones to direct in real life. As you direct them, they become real.

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yesterday's log in my life journal was important. i can appreciate being in the throes of my emotions; maybe even welcoming the onslaught of confusion and despair. my brother wrote to me and said something very interesting..."Did you know that when I get into one of those moods when I do not eat dinner -- food taste so much better the next day?" life is tasting better today.

i had a breakdown today. i knew i was walking down a very dark path during
the week, and the path ended today.

admitting that i have some fucked up areas in my life is very hard to do. living through it is even harder.

i'm going through this process where i throw my life in a million things. constantly trying to fill it and fill it and fill it.

am i happy doing these activities?

or would i be even more unhappy if i didn't do them?

my answer: i would be more unhappy if i relied on my fears to prevent me from doing something that i might hate. why? because i might love it.

the definition of good: hard.