i'm afraid to lose what i have in my life right now. so i'm staying where i am, not venturing a little further into the unknown. in some weird sense, i still feel i'm moving in the right direction. the traveling speed is just a bit slow, so that makes me doubtful of my progress.

god, my talk with him was so intense last night. i tried to imagine not having him in my life, but i couldn't. at the same time, i'm uncomfortable with taking him entirely in my life -- that would be too much responsibility. it's going from 0 to 100 for me, and that's too fast. it's too fast and i wouldn't fully appreciate what i have if i moved to the next step. i just need to pause and bask in this lovely, lovely warmth; just let me be here for now.

so, i declare that i'm not in a friendship and not in a relationship. it's somewhere in the middle, inching along. does anyone have a term for this because this is a very important
--ship for me; it's the closest i've ever been with a man.

i spent friday night with my brother. we attended a play together. he's into that these days.

afterwards, we went to dinner. the food was unimportant; the conversation was significant. as usual, we had our typical conversation. i don't mean typical in topic; typical because i was feeling very frustrated with him. frustrated because he wouldn't consider my words. i couldn't stand it anymore, so i laid it out. i told him exactly how i felt: all my life i sought his acceptance and support. every conversation we had i hoped that this one would be the one where he considered what i thought and perhaps even saw it my way. to me "my way" meant that he valued my thoughts and believed they could make a difference in his life -- for once, i made a difference to him. i could change him like she had changed him. i could draw out the passionate feelings and the loyalty that she had sparked in him. but no, he stuck by his views and didn't waiver.

i lived with this picture for a very long time.

my brother's response rocked my world. he said: have you ever considered that i didn't think you needed it? that one statement was enormous. and then i finally realized that he trusted me. he trusted that my choices will allow me to survive and prevail over anything. he always believed that i could, and did, write my own ticket in life.

so very ironic -- all this time, the answer was in front of me.

as i go through my days, i find myself caught up in all these searches. what is the meaning of life? what will make me happy? what is going to happen with this relationship? god, i should just stop. stop shoveling all these questions in this black hole because the answers are falling right behind them.

i don't profess to know what the "right way" to live is. i'm convinced that i'm very far from knowing, but i do believe that i'm heading in the right direction...

here's a sneak preview for thursday:

You can earn others' respect by staying gracious under difficult circumstances. However, self-doubts may be highlighted. Be kind to yourself, so that negative judgment doesn't inhibit constructive change. Your responsibility is not to make everyone else happy, but to honor your own gifts. Be clear about what you expect from friends and partners. Relationships do not just happen magically, but require conscious effort and commitment now.

there is no greater satisfaction than to be in a conversation where the desire to express oneself is as great as the desire to listen to another's response. where his conclusion is always an invitation for my reply.

You may need to face relationships with awareness of your own fears and desires. It's ok to calculate what you want and don't want from a relationship. Just be loving when making the deal. Seeing your less attractive traits doesn't mean you're not a good person. Learn to love your fears, doubts and jealousies; not to keep them as they are, but to transform them. Knowing what you don't want, too, is a good way to avoid being manipulated to gain others' approval or love.

i haven't felt the need to write down my thoughts lately. although i should because in the future i will learn from today's education.

my thoughts have been preoccupied with two main things:

him
gmats

(funny, the both share an ironic relationship.)

so, i've been thinking about him and considering all the changes and decisions i've made in my recent living. how the changes happened shortly before his arrival and how the changes prepared the space for him to fill. at this moment, i'm enjoying him and really sharing myself and allowing myself to be contributed to. that's important -- being able to be contributed to, not always having my guard up or believing the impossible is reality or the impossible is only possible in the future.

i'm TERRIFIED about my upcoming exam. i alone painted myself in a corner. procrastination is so evil. it's evil because you are the perpetrator, you are fighting yourself. a lot rides on this, of course, grad school is the ultimate sacrifice. but, at the moment, i'm parting with my piece of mind and thoughts that can be better spent on other matters. preparation is the remedy to procrastination -- i regret not drinking it 4 months ago.

i can kiss grad school good-bye.

what am i going to do about you?

living is an endless practice of questioning yourself. making the decisions that you think will least compromise your values. doing all this as you're trying to clear the daily confusion around you.

i question my motives. i question my want to put my pleasures first at the risk of another's well-being. i grappled with this tonight. i guess it all comes down to making your choice. be ok with wanting something that gives you happiness. it's not bad.

i cannot stress how wonderful it is to work with someone who is smart! god, i love mental stimulation.

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being very sure about something can cause one to be inflexible and even blind to new openings. i get so set on certain ways and views that i make it difficult for myself to change or acquiesce to what is at hand because i feel that in some way i'm compromising my integrity. i see that i do this, and i shut a lot of people out.

i haven't fully grasp this concept: is being independent the same as being alone? is there a fine line or definite distinction? i like to think that i'm independent, but maybe i'm a fool and i'm just alone.

today i felt quite alone. alone in the sense that i can't or don't want to relate to my friends anymore. after not talking to them for a week, i rather keep it that way. do you ever feel as though no one really cares about you. all the so-called "friendships" you have are really mechanisms for others to validate their lives and problems. i used to think that i was being such a good friend by always listening, advising, supporting, and giving time -- my time, time that i don't feel like i have anymore. i'm so sick of holding myself back. i'm so tired of not being able to tell my friends that i can't listen anymore. i can't give anymore. and then there's the side that tortures me with thoughts of being a bad friend for not being there for them. i don't think i really know what being a good friend means. i think growing up and watching my parents constantly give to other people and never give to their children really, really fucked me up. the really insane thing was that they thought they were these self-sacrificing people who worked so hard for their children's sake. well, the irony is that they lost me a very long time ago. all that hard work spent on a child who wasn't there. as long as i was quiet, didn't make trouble, did well in school, never asked for much -- i was perfect. perfectly dead.

i finally went to see the norman rockwell exhibition at the guggenheim on friday. i've always loved his portraits about life. he had such a magical way of capturing "the moment." his paintings don't necessary cause one to question the purpose; you know exactly what the paintings are about. to me, that is the magic: norman rockwell's portraits are so powerful that they can stir similar feelings (and i would even go as far to say the same feelings) in any onlooker -- young, old, man, woman. it's like giving a speech and each audience member understands your message. his messages are great. they speak about the insecurities of a young girl, the completeness a family feels when their child comes home from school or from war, the anticipation of first dates, etc. his paintings raise the importance of simple moments and these moments are very rich in detail.

what also struck me were the SIZES of the paintings. they were huge! i guess i've always seen the paintings in books or depicted on the saturday evening post. i automatically scaled them down.