i'm so tired and feeling so gross with myself. this always happen in the midst of my ten days and, currently, combined with the fact that i'm STRESSED at work. so stressed that i don't even know how fast my head is spinning and how to even spin it the other way. god, when am i ever going to see that challenges are exciting and wonderful opportunites. right now i just wish i got some support and didn't feel as though i'm doing this alone.

i'm feeling very sad today. i know i shouldn't be, but i do feel very sad.

yesterday i parted with the last connection to my childhood. i never imagined that i would get so emotional about the whole event. i never thought that i would feel like i lost an old friend. a friend who has been with me all my life and who made some tough situations easy. my chastity was a part of me, part of my integrity and morals. and as i was tested and tempted with men, friends, feelings of "what's wrong with me", i knew that every situation would yield a stronger me. now that i don't have it, i do feel less special; i feel like everyone else.

i once wrote about sharing myself with someone. i realized about a month ago that he would be that person. how? i knew he would understand what i was giving him. he would value it as much as i valued the reasons for waiting. i would never look back and wished that it would be different -- with a different person, in a different situation, at a different time. the whole experience is only worth the person that you're with, and i wouldn't have shared this with anyone except for him.

so much is going on in my life. i find it increasingly difficult to express myself. i don't feel the ease in my words. i think the reason is that i'm working through many new challenges. when i talk about these situations, i feel like i'm reliving the doubts and reinforcing the doubts that run through my mind. what i do know is that i must keep at it no matter how inadequate i feel. i must move forward because there's no other way to find the confidence in my speech and my actions without going through the fluster.

If they put you in charge, someone must believe you have what it takes. Odds are, you feel less than up to the task. Not true. You're up to it. The proof lies buried in your personal pudding. Grab a silver spoon and dig in. Buried treasure certainly awaits your discovery. When this passes, imagine the confidence. Feel the power? You just graduated from one grade to the next. Find deeper meaning. Look for more powerful ideas. All the while, quest for ease, simplicity and fusion with all that is good.

i'm so frustrated with myself. i'm so frustrated with not being able to practice all these discoveries i'm making in my life. i want to live this "new life" all the time. i want to be brave and take on the challenges that i face every single day. then why am i so afraid of progress? why am i so afraid of not being perfect and not being prepared? why do i fear other people's rejection? i so want to give in sometimes, but i know that would gurantee me failure.

Every time you relate anything about yourself, others nod in agreement as if you provided the last digit of the combination unlocking secrets of their ego. When times flow like this, full documentation of every thought, conversation (whether spoken or heard) and all written statements allows recall and memorization of what works. These times become the lubrication for future frictions in self-statement. Speak, write, listen; speak, write, listen.

washington, dc

april 7, 2002

i'm sitting in front of the Jefferson Memorial in front of the prettiest sight. enriched by our president's words, i stare out and think how lucky i am. i'm here in the presence of tidal basin, cherry blossoms and buildings annointed with names...scattered across the view.


april 8, 2002

i'm sitting in training. met a bunch of new people. it's funny how i automatically make these character assumptions about them. for example, this girl who's on my "engagement team" came to class late, she had no qualms about putting her head down since she was tired and had a toothache, continually make no attempts to follow the course material, and overall, very femininely friendly. i can imagine her work ethics. did i just assassinate her? anyway, she's nice though.

april 10, 2002

i had the best walk this evening. i'm surprised at my ability to decipher a tourist map.

my hotel is located near the woodley park-zoo in an area called adams morgan. i knew i couldn't be too adventurous (i.e. take a straight-line path, no abrupt turns) on my hike around dc. so, i decided connecticut avenue was the way to go. if i read my map correctly, the avenue was going to lead me straight to the white house...and it did! i was very proud of myself -- i couldn't believe i made it to the white house. and, i had some great pitstops along the way - THE GAP. good sales, great deals.

i'm looking forward to getting back to nyc. dc is nice but not for me. i miss my routines.

april 11, 2002

my manager called me last night. apparently the firm has decided to sell the division i'm in. what does this mean for me? well, i'll be transferred to another practice. i guess if i had a say in the matter i would have opted to stay with the firm rather than go to the acquiring company. my manager is going with the new company since he'll be entering at a much higher level than where he's at now.

what are my feelings...i'm a bit shocked. i'm not sure what's going to happen, what the future is going to hold -- such is life. i'm glad i still have a job. the only thing that i'm sure of is that i must try to take things in stride and new situations are opportunities to grow and practice my reinvented self.

april 11, 2002

god, i can't wait to finish this training.

i had a couple of sessions this week. i find that i still make a lot of discoveries about myself, even the tiniest ones.

this time it was about my limitations, that is excepting my limitations. i operate as though everything has to be perfect or close to being perfect. i focus all my time and energy into ONE thing that i pause the other areas in my life. for example, WORK. i've placed so much importance and affirmed my existence based on my work performance that i've dug my own hole here. here is where i was 6 months ago -- feeling as though i don't have anything to share. i've done nothing with my life. i don't have any grand experiences like everyone else around me.

so, i'm going to try to accept my limitations knowing that some parts of me will never be perfect or even come close to being perfect. yes, accept my limitations so that they don't limit me.

sometimes i feel like i'm in a play where the plot thickens with the same theme -- making peace with one's internal enemies allows one to create the space for contribution.

Being wrong, inadequate or not smart are not the issues....You can declare hurt feelings and sulk, or you can revert to your drawing board and design what it takes.

god, i'm so exhausted today. i can't keep my eyes open at all...but i have so much work to do before my trip to dc.

i was talking to nh today. she's so wise -- a very educated woman. anyway, we were discussing how living is like a dance -- it's an art form. one needs to see that forward steps won't necessary give the shortest distance between the present and the future. one must be flexible and take steps back, take steps back and sideways, take less steps forward and, of course, take the wide strides when the opportunities present themselves. i think embracing this philosophy will give me a greater sense of patience with myself. i've always had difficulty with the self-patience aspect of life -- i get very discouraged when the result i want doesn't come instantly.

i realize that not many people (including me) really question what it means to be a human being. i mean human in the most selfish sense. how does your purpose complement life? how does your purpose make a difference to yourself, to the people in your life now and to the people in your future?

i was present to this questioning recently. it made me think. it made me admire. it made me believe the life i want is the life to live -- anything else is unacceptable.