i can't sleep.

i need to learn to leave work at work. i can't believe i woke up in the middle of the night thinking that i should have told my colleague to do something differently.

i'm not cut out for this line of work. i don't like the pressure. i don't like the way i feel about myself. i don't like how other people's opinions effect me.

i'm looking forward to the long weekend. god, i need a break so badly. my last day off was jan 1.

i care for him immensely. i find myself overwhelmed with emotions when he tells me how wonderful i am. it touches me deeply when he tells me what he finds so rare and special. i remember when i was young and imagined that right now there was this person out there who will find everything ordinary about me to be special. it's almost too good to be true. all the possibilities that i dreamt as a girl and lost as an adult now make my reality.

i catch myself wondering what will become of us in the future. i think my worse fear is that we won't affect each other the way we do now. that we will discover all there is to know about each other and the fascination will be gone. and then i catch myself.

i find it so ironic how situations repeat themselves. i was talking to her today. she was explaining how her friends were making her feel so uncomfortable and self-doubtful because she wasn't having "fun" during their night out. how her friends felt like she was dragging them down because she wasn't participating in the night's mission of finding anonymous company. she continues to explain how increasingly uncomfortable she felt in the "scene" and that she was not at all interested in superficial satisfaction.

i was listening to her thinking my god she's is feeling exactly how i once felt. i couldn't help but feel a terrible satisfaction because she was the one that made me feel that way...not too long ago. she had confronted me in the past and stated that my reclusive posture during our outings made her feel like i was bringing her down, that i didn't make it fun for her. what could i say? was this my chance to point out a past fact? or was this my chance to be an empathetic friend? i think what really, really struck me was that she didn't remember that she behaved exactly like these girls. she was soliciting sympathy for her hurt feelings from someone who she had inflicted the same emotional injuries. is it evil that i found some justice in this conversation? did i betray myself because i didn't express my justification? it would be out of character to cause such harm to a friend. i would be no better than her, even worse. my satisfaction comes from her desire to seek my ear.

i'm at the end of this internal battle. i would have felt such justice to pull away -- to shield myself from the fear that i associated with being in a relationship. the fear that i've explained over and over again.

here's my opportunity to be responsible for my feelings. if i'm going to sulk, then that's no one's fault but mine. i was feeling unwanted and that was new, at least new in this context. and the more unwanted i felt, the more i needed it. at the end, i didn't want to open myself to feel this way again. i experienced the same prescribed reactions when i feel rejected: i shut down; i don't want to be a part of the situation; i disappear. i was mad that i let myself feel this way; this was exactly how i didn't want to feel.

i needed to understand my unreasonableness. why was i being unreasonable? why was i closing the space to be ourselves? if i'm not in a relationship, all this wouldn't matter, right?

this is all about being in a relationship. this is all about my self-discovery. cultivating the maturity to handle disappointments. admitting my feelings and my role in our bond. opening myself to many "good" and "bad" feelings.

god grant me the serenity to accept the things that i cannot change, the courage to change the things i can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

i'm so full of shit. i really am. i can't believe how i'm feeling today after my post yesterday. i just want people to leave me the fuck alone. keep their opinions to themselves. just shut up.

the problem is that the truth hurts. it really does. when someone can clearly point out my faults, i start closing down. i start withdrawing. i just want to be by myself. i don't want to be a part of this world right now.

why am i feeling so defeated? i don't know how long this could last. how long i can last in this state of doubt and uncertainty.

i know all the right things i should be doing -- be in the situation, reexamine the areas that need improvement, be vocal about your faults and ask for help. i don't want to think now. i'm tired. i'm just very tired.

i was overcome by this very strange emotion. it wasn't a wave of grief or sadness, although it may have seemed like it since i was crying. i was thinking about him and thought about his journey...his happiness. and i realized how badly i wanted him to be happy. i really wanted him to live and bravely walk the road to his passion -- to find this passion knowing that the only way to get there is to triumph over the past. i don't know why i wept. i don't want to disrupt his focus. i'm afraid i will cause emotional hardships in his life. i know whatever happens will happen, and i can't control or save someone's feelings or reactions. god, that is all i seem to say these days, but it's true. i want to live my life each day. i'm really beginning to understand the meaning of this phrase -- living for today and being honest with myself and with the people i care about. i know this works.

i just want to be a waitress in michigan. how bad would that be? michigan is a beautiful state. life is slow there.