right now the only constant in my life is challenge.

i've always had trouble remember my past. i can't create a timeline of events. most of my memories are jumbled up, never painted with much detail. i'm not sure why this is. perhaps always having the feeling that i was just going through the motions in life. my aversion to be involved in emotional situations (either others or mine) probably didn't allow for memories to mark each passing year. whatever the reason is i don't want it to be like this anymore. i want to remember each year. i want to remember all the successes and defeats that make up each year, along with the highs and lows brought on by them.

re-reading my journal. spending time to jot down the details of the day. i won't have trouble remembering this year.

you really learn a lot about someone after spending an uninterrupted period of time together.

you find out personality differences never realized in the past -- generally incompatible ones.

i just spent the last two weeks in asia. i should write about all the countries i've seen, all the beautiful people i met, all the different foods i ate, but i don't want to talk about that right now. i want to write about the constant evaluations i performed on myself. one in particular compared me to my companion.

the running theme in my life is how i'm not living it. i've been tormenting myself with this. what i should say is how i'm not living my life based on other people's successes. this type of thinking takes away from all my experiences. i become my worse enemy. i pit myself against a battle that can never be won. i know this but i can't stop myself. do i like holding myself back? do i find a safe haven in this torture?

so, during this trip, i realized how uninformed i am. i don't spend enough time to learn about things. things. what are these things? right now, these are things that others know that i don't. at the same time i don't want to complicate my life. i don't want to go on this hunt for information and have this search muddle a quest for a simple life. perhaps the balance is distinguishing what is information and what becomes knowledge.

my pep talk:

no matter how hurt i feel or how stressed i become, i'm ultimately responsible for my emotional highs and lows. i can't feel sorry for myself for very long. i will be the only one suffering. i can hope that others will care more or as much, or i can learn to care less. i don't know the right answer nor the correct balance in each.

i can't hope that people will be forgiving if i can't forgive myself. i still grapple with this. i don't understand why i can't make allowances for my faults. i go as far as to deny these faults for fear of facing them and seeing what is really there. what can i do? i know i debilitate my surroundings, including myself.

i must accept that these are my growing pains, similarly to the growing pains i've overcome. these are the pains that will support my movement forward and that prove that i am living.