i spent the weekend in seattle, wa.

one thing that i love about my travels is that i can cross off major cities that i don't want to relocate to. seattle is one of them. i knew someone who was from seattle. similar pattern: higher expectations cause blindness to the traits at hand. nonetheless, it was strange to now fill in conversations from the past with tangible descriptions from the present.

i'm thinking about moving out of this home. this home that i grew up in. this home that i hate to be in. a shelter stimulating symptoms of my struggles. my surroundings are constant reminders of my past. each view screams out that i must move on. i need to find a place of my own.

i've been so lazy about journalizing my thoughts. i think a part of it is because of the audience. i find such power in anonymity. it allows license to be uninhibited and free with all conscious barbs.

i wonder if i can hurt someone as much as they've hurt me -- intentionally or unintentionally. right now, it doesn't really matter. as much as i've grown and matured, there's always a remnant of immaturity that is weaved into the person i am now. you can never shake off the past, not entirely. the past is the forever reminder to move forward.

the inexplicable notion of relationships is that you never really know what the other person is thinking or feeling. you have hints and intuitive clues, but you never really know for sure. you think you're doing all the "right" things, but in fact, all the right things define that single wrong move. oh, is this where experience and maturity inject themselves and allow perspective to reign over this defeated way of thinking? maybe you know.

For July 8-14: Take a more definitive, active role in contract talks, financial discussions, and crucial decision-making this week. Don't duck and run for cover when pressure mounts. Show 'em what ya got, baby! You're much smarter and stronger than you give yourself credit for, and you're a lot more skilled at hardball than you're willing to admit. Push for what you want this week. Consider the reversals of fortune that present themselves to be karmic gifts that you've earned through blood, sweat, and tears. Accept new assignments and all the benefits and honors that accompany them.

oh, how true...

there are moments during the day where everything becomes clear. a calmness that sweeps over all my thoughts. i'm convinced that everything will be okay and that everything will work out. it's like i discovered a secret in life, and the solution is always so simple.

i've pulled out of the muck. this muck representing my fears, my perception about obstacles, and my complaints about work. i'm above the quicksand. as long as i keep in this serenity, truly believe in this secret, then i have learned and i have grown to become a better person.

i'm starting grad school in the fall. i almost can't believe the outcome and that the waiting period is over. i find that you can get used to living in this "waiting period" and when you finally reach the end or the end reaches you, you become lost and a part of you want to continue in this state of suspense.

i know that i'm beginning a new part of my life, and i'm not exactly welcoming it with open arms. not sure why. maybe because i'm scared. what's the worse that can happen? my main goal is to learn. there's nothing frightening about that, right?