there are moments where i stand stunned. i don't know where to turn. this is my present. i'm living through the loss not knowing the next ending.

i wonder what is the actual physiological change that occurs in my body when i get this feeling like i'm about to take an exam. it's indescribeable (and i know everyone's gotten this) -- like a simultaneous clench to the heart and stomach, the brain gets fuzzy and tingly and whatever noise around sounds insultated and faraway. but now i'm not taking an exam.

we're so wired to not believe in our accomplishments. others actually see our integrity and strength before we do.

hg reveres a certain approach still inherent in ones who have not been broken by life. the spark of innocence mixed with the courage without the regret. the drive to change your situation with idealism. all of which he knew i could understand.

i was cleaning today and came across cards given to me by friends and family. (i always felt that it was bad luck to throw away letters filled with good wishes.) i glanced through them and read some. and reading them just made me feel so...i can't find the words but something of a mixture of nostalgia, awe and disbelief. a lot of the cards were dated this time last year. birthday cards filled with summaries of hopeful wishes for my new year. these wishes asked for love, happiness, joy, etc.... all the words usually found in birthday cards. for the first time, looking back, it was different. these words mean so much differently and so much more to me today than it did 12 months ago. i sat there and imagined what i was thinking when i first opened these cards and probably wondered what the new year would bring. now, i open them knowing what the year has brought.

i can't have everything. i just need to have the most advantageous combination...at least right now.

there's no need to force myself into doing something i really don't want to do. how much do i love myself? not too long ago the roles were reversed. i revel in the feeling of the past when the power was on my side. when the dependence was on me. when did that change? why did it change? there's no such thing as a good reason. reasons are just there to make you feel better, and often times make you feel worse. there's no reason. there's just the decision -- whatever i want, whatever i can live with.

how do you know when you're over someone? is it when you start imagining yourself with someone else? or is it when that person stops being the first and last thing you think about? or is it when the urge of wanting to be with that person disappears? or is it when that person's progress and happiness doesn't matter anymore? how do you know when you're over someone?

there's something about the moon that makes me feel so complete. did you see it tonight? i experience a feeling of discovery everytime i take notice of it. i savor the significance of the moment.

i am so naive. it's really disgusting.

why did i think they would tell the truth? why did i believe that they will finally do right by me?

how many times do i have to be slapped down before i understand that i can't depend on anyone except for myself. and if i'm fortunate to find the truly honest and good, i will cling to them because they don't come often.

back to the drawing board.

something came up in a conversation i had about how narrowly defined one sees their life, and that entails a very specific pattern in how life should be carried out. what surprised me was that i truly related to this statement and felt (for a very long time) that my life was this small and constricted road that didn't have many turns at the beginning, the middle and i couldn't see any turns up ahead.

i learned that there was a reason the road had to be narrow. it had a purpose. the road had to be built with whatever foundation i was given and whatever that was allowed. there was nothing left to pave the turns. this road certainly worked for a long time and had led me to a point where i could see that i was allowed more material...but i didn't know how to pick it up. i didn't know what to do. i was afraid to build something different for fear that this narrow path that served me up to this point was the only "right" road. i don't know what made me start building the turns. there was something about this foundation left on the side of my road that i had to pick up and press to the ground. i saw that there were others doing the same and willing to help. my first offer was to allow them onto my small and constricted road and not be ashamed that this was all i could build.

it took me a long time to understand why i was afraid to do something outside of my normal pattern. it took me a long time to forgive myself for living this way.

god, the soil is rich.

the road that connects the heart and mind is a circular path leading me to foolish confusion.

i felt so very alone yesterday. sometimes happiness does that to me. my happiness is connected to my sadness. i always feel guilty for any happiness that enters my life. i think the feeling of guilt allows me to accept the happiness for a small amount of time. but the price paid is never experiencing full enjoyment of these bright moments. i always felt the more i enjoyed these moments the quicker the endings will come.

is this walk ever going to end?

i have this image of shoveling my resources into this black hole. right now this vast depth doesn't dissuade me because i believe i can make a difference. because i want to make a difference. am i a fool to think that only i can fill it up?

there are some joys in studying -- helps pass the time and makes me sleepy.

i feel different.

i'd like to think that i'm healing. my approaches to a lot of routines have change. not the daily mechanics but what goes through my head. introspections fill a lot of the pauses during the day. even the motivations that once drove me are slightly different. some impulses are contained in new shells, while others remain where they were.

i can't pinpoint what i've left behind. i just know that they're not there anymore.

maybe i'm feeling better because i received a new gift. the gift of the unknown. i know my bad habits can't survive here. i know that some rights are no longer mine. i know that my best approach will be to have no approach at all. i know there is no room for impatience and insecurity. finally, i know that honesty will bring the most genuine experiences.

sometimes things need to deteriorate before you can see what's really there.

i had a strange dream this morning. i dreamt that i was lost and wound up in a delapitated town off the shore of some ocean. i had gotten off the wrong station after getting away from a friend's obsessed suitor (?!!). there were people there that helped me, especially this one girl. she waited with me so that i could take the train to wherever i needed. in the back of my mind i knew this was a train that would pass through his town. i looked at my phone and saw that i missed two calls -- one from mg and one from him. (his name was spelled wrong and i thought to myself why i never noticed that.) i was ready to call him to pick me up from the station. i remember feeling relieved that this whole breakup was just a dream and being on this train was reality. i never got a chance to call him. i woke up.

trick or treat. trick? i wish this past week was a trick.

i still have his voicemail. i don't know why i saved it last friday. there was just something in his voice that made me feel happy and made me want to keep it. i didn't know those words would be his last caring and thoughful sentences. i've listened to it and each time it gets harder and harder. maybe i just don't want to get over this because if i did then there really won't be a chance. he wouldn't have a chance.

i want to be strong. i really want to be strong. it's thursday. we almost always talk on thursdays. how his classes and day went? it took every ounce of me to not pick up the phone and call him. i yearn to know how his day was. if he had a fulfilling day with his kids? is he tired? will we see each other this weekend? what's hard for me is to squelch these instincts that have become so natural in the past year. what do i do with these instincts? casting them aside doesn't seem right or natural. keeping them tortures me endlessly. what do i do with these instincts that i nourished for him?

tonight's hard.

i also want to tell him off. just yell some sense into him. tell him that fear has gotten such a hold of him that he's not thinking clearly. i run our conversations in my head. he said more than a few hurtful things. they've played in my mind.

a drag. i really examined this one. was being with me a drag? or was his life a drag so everything around him seemed that way?

someone he could really talk to. mmm...but topics about him were off limits.

didn't have the same interests. did we try to explore?

didn't want this enough. then what do you want enough?

don't want this relationship to end up like all the rest. how is this different? leaving and shutting me out is the same as being emotionally unavailable strung out for a long period of time.

i want to scream this at him. don't you know there's another side to every doubt and question! i wish he could see this.

i wish someone could shake some sense into me and show me that there's no hope.