more danger in solo living...i've twice forgotten to lock the door.

Confidence is within and grows through support from others.

men are funny. when they want something but know that they can't have it, they have to let the other person know regardless of her answer. it's as if getting it out of their system is the next best thing to having it, and they must have at least something. men aren't dissuaded by much once they know what they want. perhaps that's why they don't do the game playing. no dancing around the subject. just flat out ask for it. yes or no -- they're already satisfied.

merry xmas.

i spent this christmas at my sister's. maybe it was the holiday spirit...i really delight in seeing the happiness in others. it matters more to me that i had a hand in it. maybe that's the selfish part. happiness is not generated only from selfless acts. happiness is similar to a relationship or a bond -- it grows when two people feel the same way; they feed off of each other.

i felt like the reincarnated scrooge. i went to see jesse today. he's a part of my past. and it's funny, i've experienced the same feeling twice this week. once with fm and the second time with him. i think in the back of my mind i've doubted the forgiveness of others. well, at least their forgiveness for me. i've been living in this shame because i disappeared on them. i cornered myself in this fear that they would reject or not want anything to do with me. i was wrong both times. again, it really feels good to make someone happy. it takes very little. the easiest and most natural gestures generate the most caring responses. it was nice to see jesse again.

surprise! i was certainly that today. my very sneaky friends and family pulled off the biggest surprise today. i think a part of it is that i doubt who i am to the people in my life. i couldn't believe that so many wanted to celebrate me. it was wonderful.

and this is for you...fm - having you there today meant so much to me. you were the most special guest of all. the most special gift i received. always know the place you have in my life.

privately counseling patience - a good phrase to keep handy.

too tired to write.

it's time to start taking things back. i've been diluting my generosity. it's all a facade -- a cover up to what's going on inside. a part of me feels painfully hollow. empty.

i do see myself as many persons secured under one skin. one is satisfied while the other is unsatisfied. one wants to move forward while the other is perfectly content to stay right here. one wants to be all to everyone while the other wants to go undercover and not be bothered. call me schizophrenic or call me human. everyday i try to understand which one of me will come first. some days i choose the wrong one. hopefully, with enough practice, being myself will come naturally.

i finally did it. after two months, it's gone. i thought it would be a symbolic gesture to start things off...right?

what a wonderful way to end the day. i just got back from my last final. i'll have approx one month of freedom before embarking on another semester.
not too long ago i debated if i should continue school or take a leave of absence. things worked out for school. actually, i think everything worked out in both fronts. i'm currently working on a not-so-thrilling project, but that doesn't bother me in the least. what really excites me is my manager. it's been a long time since i found someone who i work with and who i can look up to. i find myself intently listening to him. i'm curious to learn how he approaches many business situations and relationships. it's all in his mannerism and the comfort he brings to intensified situations. what a refreshing breath to find a manager who doesn't panic at the slightest emergency.

i'm certainly not near "making it." when i was young i didn't imagine who i would be at 28. after coming out of the teenage years i just busied myself with who i was at the time, or at least trying to figure out who i was.

so...what will this year bring? right now, i don't have any grand expectations. i haven't thought about or envisioned what i would like to happen. maybe continue on the figuring out part. there's always room for improvement.

You don't expect an easy life and you certainly don't count on others to make unusual sacrifices for you. In fact, you can't bear to feel in others' debt - or under anyone's thumb. You'd much rather build a life for yourself, pay your own dues, and prove your own worth than cling to another's coattails. No matter how artistic or idealistic you are, you're a tough-minded pragmatist at heart. You have no interest in building castles in the air - unless, of course you've got loads of free time and a fat saving account. You need to build a dependable, secure life for yourself. Hard work doesn't intimidate or bother you. You'd rather work harder and take care of yourself than eat bonbons on satin sheets and feel indebted to someone else. You are, after all, a freedom thirsty Sagittarian. You know that almost every good deed creates expectations and obligations, so you'd just as soon take care of yourself. Although many of you are well educated, your most profound education generally comes from real life experience, either before or after formal training. Famous for your radiant smile and easy-going nature, there's a lot more going on in your psyche than you readily admit. You never stop learning, and you never outgrow your desire to inspire. Consequently, you may choose a teaching or healing profession. Because your head is frequently in the clouds, pondering life's bigger questions, others may characterize you as a space cadet. Nothing could be further from the truth. No matter how beautiful and talented your body, your mind will always be your finest instrument. Continue dreaming, and seriously think about writing your memoirs and spending substantial time abroad. Travel is nutrition for your soul. Like many Sagittarians, you benefit from vigorous walking, competitive running, and hiking.

"I am so glad that you still remember me."

if only the people in my life really knew how much i thought about them. why is it so hard to pick up the phone and rekindle past ties? what are the excuses that prevent me from doing something so simple? so simple of a gesture can elicit such a response.

if thoughts and feelings are stored in my head do they really exist? i think it but does it make it true? does the truth prove itself only by a response from another? surely this is not a blanket for everything. actions do exist, but you can't act on every feeling. my care for someone exists independent of their feelings, sometimes. mmm...does caring exist upon validation from another?

something's missing here...

i'm awake. my nap took longer than i wanted. i guess i should be panicked. this means sleepless nights for the next couple of days.

no excuse...but i got caught up in a conversation earlier this evening. interesting how having a conversation doesn't necessarily mean that. a lot of times you're on the phone not to converse but to be there so the other person can vent, and hope you can give some advice in between the daily stories. this is part of "keeping in touch" and knowing what's going in your friend's life -- good or bad, interesting or boring.

there's an impatience in being young that can't be shaken. you're so convinced that you know the shortest route to point b that you lose sight that living is not the shortest route to point b. living may be the longest passage to point b because that'll prepare you to move to point c.

what is it about denying myself that is so satisfying? satisfying...not the right word. natural...no. it's automatic. i prioritize all the wrong people in my life. the more wrong they are, the more i want them. it's sick. a vicious, vicious cycle that gets worse. perhaps i don't know how it feels like to be treated right. all the wrong treatment is the best that i'll get. god, i laugh. i really laugh at what i write and how i think. if any of my friends told me this i would tell them that they were wasting their time and should concentrate on themselves and people who truly appreciated them. why am i the exception? why can't i see this for myself? is this an age old question or am i just comfortable with this state of abuse?

do i need an answer before change can occur? i may never know the answer. the change starts with me, no one else.

random quotes:

hating someone is like taking poison yourself hoping they will die.

...how people can feel shut out by their own lack of passion, how they yearn to end the emptiness.

you teach people how to treat you.

another discovery of living alone -- the freezer is not cold enough to keep ice cream. a whole yummy container of hd vanilla chocolate chip ice cream turned into a soupy milkshake with chippy sediments.

double :(

the peril of living alone -- waterbug carcass.

yuck :(

time to brace myself for what's there to come.