love is definitely not enough. you must have the willingness to want love. willingness opens the door for change.

i'm still healing from my breakup. it's very difficult. what's most difficult right now is trying to understand what was real and what was not. i wonder if everything was just a big lie. it feels like it. one day we're together the next we're not. how could feelings be switched off so quickly? did anything matter? did my ears deceive me when he told me that he missed me? were his words of appreciation lies? god, i won't allow myself to taint what was true. at the same time i can't drive myself mad in believing all that was there.

i felt as though a knife cut into me, swiftly and quietly. i couldn't feel the bleeding but i saw the blood.

god, i was so ready to give it my all. whatever he needed i could provide. why did i think i could save him? i was willing to commit myself to someone who was willing to commit nothing. why was i willing to forgo my growth for the sake of his? willingness...there needs to be an equal amount.

i still love him, though. where do i apply the willingness? willingness to see that perhaps it was the idea of him that helped me love him.

i wrote that the other day and took it off. you can't edit yourself when you're the most vulnerable.

here i am. standing on my own. it feels like the beginning when i first posted my thoughts. i felt like there was so much to learn and to experience. i feel like that again. i'm scared. i'm very scared. i have to reorganize my identity. i feel so bare. i feel as though a part of me has vanished.

i need to concentrate on myself again. i was giving too much. i was losing myself in this and compromising myself in order to not examine the substance behind the relationship.

i learned and loved. i didn't think that would ever happen. i fear that i won't be able to love someone that way again. i know what it means to give and to care and to want for another. i believe i need to understand what it means to ask and to take. it's still very one-sided for me. i recognize it for another but not for myself.

i trust God. i know He was with me when i decided to live my life. i know he is with me now. there is a path for me. i know this. i need to continue on this path.

i'm still very raw. the memories are painful and my stomach is also giving a reaction every time my thoughts wander to the past. time will dull the memories. i know this.

we've reached the end. we've come to a beginning.

i don't know how i'm coping with this change in my life. of all the changes i've gone through this is my hardest. i suppose it's because it's not my choice. some changes never are. life gives them to you and you have to mold them into your life.

god, i love you so much. a part of me hoped that if we could get through this period we would be ok. we would really make it and move to the next stage. that was where i went wrong -- i was hoping for the both of us. i wanted it too much because you didn't want it at all. i don't want to think "what ifs" -- that would really kill me.

i will never forget you. you who touched me deeply and lit so many areas that were so dark for so long. we were good for each other. and as hard as it is to admit, we are not good for each other now. we learned what we needed to learn from each other. you need to find a good relationship with yourself, with your passion and with your future. i know i would be holding you back. find these for yourself and you'll be able to truly share them with someone. you will want to share yourself with someone.

i don't know how i'm going to continue on, but i must. i must push ahead and continue living life every day.

i love you, m. i love you enough to let go.

more roadkill on the corporate america highway.

i'm ashamed that i continue to work for this company. all the looters sitting in their high offices pushing profit numbers on fucken paper will never understand what they have done. it breaks my heart to see my collegues be treated like commodities. these are good people. these are honest people. these are people who have families that depend on them. i just can't bear to see those expressions again. what are they suppose to do? where did they go wrong? they didn't. they had no choice.

...it is scary how accustom i am to being alone...it takes true strength to share life; it is just unfortunate we lack wisdom, trust in allowing others to empower and teach us to co-exist interdependantly as independant entities...

sometimes you really know how to get me. it came at the right time -- all the words that i couldn't put together. you did.

god, sometimes i just want to give up. i just want to scream and throw a tantrum. i spend so much energy keeping it together, keeping a straight face, buttressing myself when all i want to do is crawl into bed, cry and sleep.

if someone were to ask me about my therapy i would tell them that it was one of the best gifts i ever gave myself.

i’ve been seeing df for over a year now. i gather my readers are well aware of my neurotic musings and perhaps even chuckle at my big and small discoveries.

so, today we had an interesting conversation… for the past couple of weeks i've been explaining about a particular fear of mine. i didn’t know how to approach the entire matter. i had some idea but didn’t fully understand why i had the urgency to initiate some solutions but not others. there was some back and forth until she pointed out that my impetus to deal with this fear sounds very similar to the fear itself. sounds crazy? crazy enough to be possibly true.

sometimes i get so caught up in what i believe is true about a situation or person when in fact i don’t. i get so sidetracked by ME that I become impatient and go into this “need to know” mode. it’s damaging. it’s very damaging.

there are a lot of things you can change about yourself. there are a lot of things you can't change about yourself. you can't change the way you are for someone. you really need to want that change. you have to do it alone and hope that you can tell your story to someone.

i've learned a lot this past year. i'm still learning everyday. one thing i cannot forget no matter how persuading the consequences are is that i have to honestly ask for what i want. there's no way it can work if i don't.

life is bigger than that one disappointing situation. what happens if it's all the time?

maybe it's time to change my expectations. it's sad to set low expectations in order to be satisfied with what i get. i don't think it's suppose to be that way. aren't i suppose to aim high? maybe "low" is not the right word. perhaps it's just different...different expectations i can live with.

i want to handle this situation in a rational manner. i want to filter through this emotional blur to be able to make a decision. what to do? i don't know. do i wait it out? or do i move on?

i was at home depot today. perhaps my first and last experience in that godforsaken outlet. every hd commercial claims a fleet of knowlegeable sales staff --- fucken bullshit. i got into an argument after the 6th encounter with a dysfunctional salesperson. i pretty much chewed him out. what pushed me over the edge? the reinforced feeling that no one exists to be helpful. it doesn't matter that it's their job or it's the definition of the role. everyone winds up to be a disappointment.

where do i draw the line between understanding, accomodating and just being fucked? am i just wired that way? it's always a hard lesson to swallow and it's even more difficult to change.

don't ever let me take you for granted
you've got your finger on the pulse of my soul

something that was humming in my head

oh, did i tell you that i've found a new home? :) a place of my own. i'm looking forward to taking care of my apartment...taking care of myself.

my mom and i moved tonight. it's amazing how much you can do in just two hours. it's amazing how much crap i have that i didn't need for over half a year. of course, now that we've been reacquainted i feel i need it. so, they're coming along for the ride.

there's a lot on my plate these days. at the same time i'm not feeling overwhelmed or feel as though i can't do everything. the answer is probably that i know i can't do everything, at least not right at this minute. i'm learning how to prioritize the situations in my life and somehow this becomes a part of the remedy to my procrastinations and fear of confrontations. i know i can only do the best i can with what i have right now. if someone's not happy or if the situation doesn't work out...IT'S OKAY! life is bigger than that one disappointing situation.

i'm a day late: H*A*P*P*Y B*I*R*T*H*D*A*Y ! hg.

it's frightening to know how closely i came to not ever saying this again.