time to jot down some thoughts.

life can’t be this easy: you fall in love. you have someone who adores your entire being. and now, you get to pick the perfect spouse to provide for you for the rest of your life. i question the order of life if this is to come true. what is wrong with this picture? i am truly disturbed that the progression of deception can gain such great rewards. my troubled mind is fringed with jealousy. it just sounds too easy. how can this be possible? i struggle with my legitimacy every single day of my life…but what do i have compared to another who mocks my choices?

i was asked: is it a curse to live an honest life? i don’t think so. i don’t know how to live any other way. i know how it feels to be trapped, to wake up one day and not realize how you got in such a mess or even how to get out. i want to be in love. i want to be adored. i want a soul mate. i do want for myself but i can only accept these rewards one way: honestly.

when you want something, all the universe conspires to help you achieve it.

i had a very strange dream last night.

i don’t remember the events leading up to getting shot. i remember looking down at my chest and there was a hole. i pushed my finger into the hole making sure that it was real. it was. i wasn’t scared or shocked. i was getting drowsy very quickly. is this how death feels, like a sleep you can’t fight off?

i’m a spirit. i think i’m still on earth. why didn’t i think about heaven? i’m floating in the sky, tilting my body side to side and up and down to pick up speed, hoping to soar away from whoever is chasing me. i gain enough to not be caught, but not enough ground to feel safe.

just when i given up on finding mars in the night sky...i find it shining overhead.

something very strange happened.

i caught myself staring at a couple. one part of the couple was my professor from last year. what initially caught my attention was sighting this asian woman proudly walking besides this man (german, to be precise). it seemed such an overt display of “we are a couple.” their hands held firmly. my mind raced with all sorts of thoughts: he’s only a block from school; people will see him with this woman. does she go to the same school? is she a student? why is he doing this? he’s not a professor anymore, he’s a man. so, when he mentioned his girlfriend, this is her. god, he recognized me? doesn’t he know that i can see him? i wonder if he feels like he’s been caught red-handed, but why do i feel like i shouldn't have seen this?

soon enough it was over. i went into a building before we got any closer….but our paths had crossed, and my memories would never be the same.

i can’t help but be taken aback. it almost feels like the rug being pulled from beneath me – a fact or a truth, whoosh, and my mind is scrambling to get a foothold on reality.

under the bridges…williamsburg, manhattan and brooklyn.

i’m back to this lack of desire to write on my blackboard. in some ways i miss the urge that compels me to purge my thoughts before i can have a restful night. whatever priorities on my plate were pushed aside because writing was my way of taking care of myself before i took care of others. i suppose it was a very small way of protesting against the demands of the world. nowadays i find that i don’t have many restless thoughts to exorcise. maybe i’m finally figuring out how to take care of myself during my “daily” life so there’s no urgency to give myself a little something before the day ends.