i'm officially a proud owner of the iPod; now i'm waiting for it to change my life.

i thought i was going to give up writing but i decided that that was mainly because of fear, a fear of being vulnerable. anyway, this will be good practice for me to express my thoughts, whether they be offensive and wrong or simply raw and honest.

a few weeks back i had this overwhelming feeling that God had forgotten about me. what i mean by this is that i believed i had hit the lowest point in my life. maybe that’s a bit dramatic, but at the time i felt it was impossible to ever recover from our breakup (and i can’t say i don’t believe it now). a fact. i had never experience such despair and hurt. this time was 100 times worse because it truly felt like The End. so, i was talking to a friend and when i came upon this idea that God had forgotten about me, it summed up exactly how i felt – alone, discarded, unwanted and unrecoverable. i just cried and cried. i felt that God was not on my side anymore. how could He be on my side and let this happen? how could He be on my side and let my heart break into 1,000 pieces again?! in the Bible there are a lot of stories where God tests the faith of his disciples. i will not begin to compare my test to any of the biblical fathers, but in my life, this is a great test. no one will read this and say, “ah… now i see the moral of the story and the true way to live a good life.” this is not their story, this is my story. life is about finding yourself in your story. living is about listening to the advice from others and interpreting it for yourself.

everyday God is testing me to show me that He is on my side. this past month every day has been a struggle. a struggle to stop loving him and to stop caring for him. it’s tough. i don’t think that’s the true test though. the true test is to love myself as much as i loved him. cliché? i suppose but it’s quite true.

it's official, - 6 lbs.

deja vu

i posted that on my blackboard two years ago. tonight i sit here and read the words. stunned by the words...as if i were a fortune teller predicting my own story. the conclusions that i had back then are the same conclusions that i have now. does this mean that we didn't grow these past years? no, we have. i have. my capacity to give love, to give compassion and to want for another person has grown a hundred times more and a hundred times stronger than when i was that girl. the girl who strung those words together to help pick up the pieces of her heart.

in a way, it's still not my choice but at least it's a choice that i can better understand. again, i believed that if we could only make it to the next stage then we would be okay. of course, i'll be wrong again. i need to go to the next stage on my own. it would be too hard to live my life and hope to live another at the same time. it would be too hard to give up all the qualities that i love about myself and forfeit them for a so called ideal. my learning and growth require love, compassion and a willingness from another.

i've had some time to think about what i could have done differently. of course there's a million turns i could have taken and a million other turns i should not have taken. i was myself and i wasn't myself. i was myself because i wanted to give; i wasn't myself because i buried my desire to take. hopefully, i can give as freely and now take as freely.