932 miles and worth every ache in my butt.

Cleveland Museum of Art

and this was one of the highlights from the visit:

Visions of Japan

i love the detail of japanese art. each line and spot of color is deliberate and seem to have a purpose. what was also very interesting is the reverence japanese art pays to courtesans. almost all the women in the prints were of the comfort kind.

hg, no giving up until we make it to CA or London, whichever comes first.

happy birthday to me :)

today i pledge to take responsibility for my life and for what makes me happy. it may sound simple but it's a task that requires unwaivering committment. i get one shot at life and i'm going to give it my all.

Brooklyn Museum

really amazing exhibition on J.S. Sargent

and to paraphrase hg: you spend more time reading the narratives than viewing the portraits.

i've always been drawn to the sociological aspect in pretty much anything. i remember taking my first sociology class in college and was simply fascinated with the lectures and required readings. i really loved reading about people -- how the environment or a series of misfortunes or events influenced their behavior and the choices they had to make in order to survive.

i guess that part of me is always there to filter information -- a collector of people. i think i can find something fascinating in anyone's story. how did they get here? what affects them? where are they going?

so, hg, can you blame me? i feel more connected to the portraits when i know who the subjects are and what became of them. and, of course, the mindset of mr. sargent when he put his brush to canvas.

i was invited to join k’s family for thanksgiving this year in Chicago. at first i was grateful to get away from everything. take a break from the city.
my visit there made me think a lot. i can’t say i enjoyed my trip to the fullest. i found my thoughts wandering to a lot of things. one particular incident resonated in me for the entire trip.

i spent most of my time with k and her parents and witnessed much of the interaction between them. i found it fascinating and lonely at the same time. fascinating in the sense that their interaction was so alien to me. something so very simple as sharing a couple of books between mother and daughter was so striking to me. i’ve never experienced such a gesture. my parents don’t have the capacity to do such a thing. this simple, simple exchange stuck me so hard because to me it stood as the perfect representation of my confined relationship with my parents.

it’s taken me a long time to accept the fact that my parents cannot change and they will never be the parents that i want them to be. i accept that and i don’t blame them. they do not have the capacity to be who i want them to be. i will be trapped by the energy in hoping that they become somebody else. i will be living in an illusion. this is not to say that i don’t feel disappointment! i do feel sad and i do feel an emptiness! the fact is that i will never have the relationship that i want with my parents but that doesn’t preclude me from creating the relationship that i want with my children. not having the ideal parents doesn’t mean that i don’ t know what is important between a mother and child. it is the very fact that i didn’t have the interactions necessary to feed a thriving child that i am more aware of the building blocks needed to create a healthy bond between parent and child, and ultimately to create the space and safety for my child to become whoever she wants to be.

probably one of my favorite songs. recently i found out it's about a vampire (?!). for the past 9 or 10 years i thought it was just a damn fine love song...still is, fangs and all.

Make up your mind Decide to walk with me Around the lake tonight Around the lake tonight By my side By my side I'm not gonna lie I'll not be a gentleman Behind the boathouse I'll show you my dark secret I'm not gonna lie I want you for mine My blushing bride My lover, be my lover, yeah... Don't be afraid I didn't mean to scare you So help me, Jesus I can promise you You'll stay as beautiful With dark hair And soft skin...forever Forever Make up your mind Make up your mind And I'll promise you I will treat you well My sweet angel So help me, Jesus (hey, hey, hey) Give it up to me Give it up to me Do you wanna be My angel? So help me! Be my angel Be my angel Do you wanna die? I promise you I will treat you well My sweet angel So help me, Jesus Jesus Jesus Jesus...

i have to stop living in the past. past memories, past experiences, past everything. it’s time to live in the present and for the future.

brave words when i’m not feeling so brave.

sometimes the best comfort is sitting and thinking about him. just him. it’s not very healthy, sorta like taking a drug. when you take it you feel better, and you keep on taking it to make yourself feel better. eventually you start getting sick and realize that you’re trapped. it’s no one’s fault except your own.

i’ve experienced some major swings. there are days where i’m feeling very confident and feeling like i’m in the midst of self-progress. and then there are days, like tonight, where all i want is to hear his voice and tell him how much i miss him. when the only thing that can possibly comfort me is him.

it really sucks to love and not be loved.