it's amazing what kinds of documents one can find on their computer. i was browsing in the many layers of folders i have created, and tucked in a folder was a letter i had written to a dear friend. i wrote this letter on dec 23, 2001. there were two paragraphs that stopped me in my tracks:

In the span of that week, I realized the connection I have with people – with or without my efforts. The knowledge that I derived from the coincidences is that I cannot force people to be or not be in my life, I can only be myself and hope that they will be with me.

My birthday was last week. I had one wish when I blew out the candle. I know they say that your wish won’t come true if you tell someone…but I will share it with you. I wish for love in my life in the coming new year. I want the love that inspires poetry, songs, paintings, miracles…

is it irony that these two statements shared the same body of a letter? how prophetic these words...my lessons for the few years that followed. and, of course, words that hit very close to my current wounds.

this week has been something of a "coming full circle." feb 17, the first day of a long tutolgy and the last day i will speak to him in that way.

i was putting away some clothes and had to pull out one of the bureau drawers. there, hidden for many months, two t-shirts that i had neatly folded for him. found. shirts that represented a time gone. shirts that held a history that was different from the now. shirts that existed without me knowing their presence. i know the significance i'm placing on this find may be toeing the line of insanity but finding these t-shirts made me very sad and wistful. i'm sure when i had washed and folded them i put love and care into each action. placing them in the drawer meant that i had a made a place for him in my life. there's no place now.